My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter

Friends, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special--my imaginary well-dressed toddler daughter. Her name is Quinoa, and I found her on Pinterest, begging me to give her an imaginary home filled with designer clothing and incredible lighting. She's a lovely, lovely human being. Would you like to see what she's been up to lately?

She rides around town on her mini Vespa scooter, but she always stops for pedestrians.

She loves to dress up for church in Chanel and roller skates, because she absolutely adores a juxtaposition.

One of her favorite activities is twirling, and nobody does it better than Quinoa.

Please don't confuse twirling with spinning; they are very different activities (though she is equally talented at both).

Every night, she lays out her impeccable outfit for the next day...

...then prays for all the children of the world, that they might be as happy, healthy, and well-dressed as she.

Did I mention that she's thoughtful and well-spoken? She attended the funeral of a classmate's hamster and gave a touching eulogy.

Where does she shop, you ask? Where doesn't she shop? is the answer!

You want to watch Indiana Jones with her? She's got an outfit for that.

Sometimes she lets me dress her up as a Von Trapp child and we sing about raindrops on roses and all of our favorite things.

She loves to put on a show. Here she is doing a tribute to Whitney Houston. It was amazing. The children really are our future.

She sure loves our country, right down to the toes of her red designer boots. In fact, she can recite the Pledge of Allegiance in seventeen languages.

Even when she's not trying, she manages to look super cool, just like a Hollywood starlet running to Target for some tampons.

She's adorable at all times, even when a large spider is crawling toward her on the floor.

You should see her dance. She's got the moves like Jagger, and the charm of Gene Kelley, all wrapped up in a size 4T.

Before you accuse her of being shallow and obsessed with her looks, you should know that she's a human-rights activist, president of seven book clubs, and is weeks away from a degree in Marine Biology.

Oh yes, my little Quinoa is the kind of imaginary daughter every mother dreams of. I consider myself very, very lucky to have her in my life. Wouldn't you?

(You can keep up with Quinoa on Pinterest.)

Thought for the day

The longer I live, the more I am rendered speechless. I'm expecting to be a mute by age 40.

Care To Help a Leper?

I have leprosy. It's a mild case, but I thought I should let you know. There is a small, scaly stripe of skin on my left eyelid that hurts. Leprosy is painful, in case you didn't know. It's serious mild pain I'm experiencing. Each morning, I shed another layer of flakey, pie-crust-like skin. One step closer to death.

I've been administering hydrocortisone cream to it for three days, even though the tube distinctly says, "DO NOT USE ON EYES." I suspect this is because the makers of the medication are anti-leper, and prefer that we suffer. It's an age-old bigotry that I'm fighting, as well as a dermatological disease. (See: The Bible.) So far the leprosy is limited to my eyelid, but things can get serious fast. I could wake up tomorrow without a leg.

I think I caught leprosy because I'm also suffering from hypothermia. It's that hypothermic time of year around here, and everybody knows that hypothermia often leads to leprosy (and dressing in ugly fleece clothing). We keep the thermostat at Effing Cold* during the day to save money. And since I'm the only one home during the day, I dress like an eskimo and pray for global warming.

The bad news is, the hydrocortisone and fleece sweatpants aren't working. (But the praying does make me feel better temporarily.)

If you are wondering how to help me, please send cash. Insurance, as you might guess, does not cover leprosy. (Anti-leperism runs deep in the insurance industry.) Only cash will help me now. Its cool, soothing, papery texture will be administered to my eyelid in the form of a makeshift patch worn for five minutes per bill, after which a new bill must be administered. For some reason, twenties and fifties seem to work best.

Thank you for your time and your concern. And your money.

Love,
Me


(*I am not a fan or user of the F-word, but I find the term "effing" hilarious. So sue me. After you send me cash.) 

A Confession

I bought Ryan some cologne that I loved so much that I started wearing it myself everyday until one day he said, "This cologne is running out really fast. Even when I don't wear it."

Heavy, Heavy Hang Over My Poor Head

Remember when we used to say that at birthday parties? "Heavy, heavy hang over thy poor head." And then we'd smack the birthday kid in the head with our gift and say, "What do you wish me with a bump on the head?"

Where do these strange traditions come from?

But I digress. There is heaviness hanging over my poor head and not in the form of gift wrap. I am going to stop challenging the Universe with thoughts like, "This year can't get any worse." I'm beginning to fear it's like tossing the Universe a soft ball, and the Universe can't resist proving you wrong.

This has been a monumentally difficult year and on Friday it got exponentially worse. (That's right, I'm pulling out the five-syllable guns for this one.) As one dear friend of ours is fighting the good fight against cancer, another of our dear friends was snuck up from behind by it, sniper-style, with what looks like a fatal blow to the pancreas. And the ripple effect of that blow has brought us to our knees. In a year filled with heartache, frustration, worry and angst, there's nothing quite like the looming death of a loved one to be the proverbial cherry bomb on top and change your perspective on just about everything. And I mean everything. The problems and stresses of Thursday seemed embarrassingly manageable by Friday afternoon. I can't even feel bad about my lack of employment in good conscience anymore.

I feel especially drawn to my kids right now. I want to soak them up and hope that their resilience rubs off on me, just like their scent of must and grass stains. They take terrible news in great stride. They care, they love our friend as we do, and yet they keep moving along finding joy in the same places they always have--candy, corny TV shows, friends, and pizza. They don't try to resist the news, spinning the wheels of "whys" and "what ifs" as if they will turn back time and give us a chance to undo what is already done. Is it because they are still operating in a world protected by the umbrella of our love and security? Because the structure of their world--mom, dad, house, food--is still in place? Or is it because they understand more than we do that there is very little in this life that we can control, and it's only as we get older tinkering with checkbooks, thermostats, and career paths that we mistakenly believe we are in charge?

My first reaction on Friday was to cry. My second was a fleeting determination to stop loving people because it often includes instances of pain. My third was to try to approach this situation with acceptance. My fourth was to bake.

And the baking, as it turns out, was the most productive thing to do. Our friend seems to have developed a healthy sweet tooth in spite of his physical decline. Apparently a cookie can provide temporary joy in this temporary life. Apparently when there seems to be nothing to do to help, a small act of kindness is something.

The kids probably could have told me that.

Happy Housefuls

These four have had a lot of fun over the years. A lot. We're excellent multi-taskers. We can talk, laugh,  eat, cry, validate each other, and make inappropriate jokes all at the same time.

We spent the weekend together at our place with all of our kids (for a grand total of nine) and today the house feels strangely empty without them here. Usually when they come to visit, they accidentally leave an article of clothing. I was really jonesing for Becky to accidentally leave that gorgeous orange coat, but I can't find it anywhere.

We had a great time riding roller coasters, eating deep fried everything, watching movies, roasting marshmallows, and staying up too late. In other words, we had lots of fun. Lots of multi-tasking fun.

When I was young, I thought I'd have a bunch of kids just like my mom. Turns out, I only had two kids but a bunch of visitors, which means that I have a bustling houseful of people...on occasion. It suits me well, I think. It's a nice balance.

My Day in the Pitts

When you think of Pittsburgh, what comes to mind? Industrial town? Steel mills? Cold, gray, desolation? Depressed, forlorn factory workers who dress in ratty black jumpsuits and chain smoke and complain about "the man"?

Um, that is not Pittsburgh. Why were we thinking that was Pittsburgh? Why am I dragging you into this with all this "we" talk? Because this is my blog.

Pittsburgh is beautiful. Like, really beautiful. It's nestled inside some lush mountains. Or, large speed bumps, as we call them in the West.

We ventured to Pittsburgh to cheer on the Utah Utes. Here are my boys representin'. Please notice in this photo that Pittsburgh has three beautiful rivers that join in it and a plethora of lovely bridges throughout. See the one in the distance? See the one we're standing on? See the cheery yellow stadium in the distance? Bee-yoo-tiful.

We were also representing with our intake of local food. I love local food. We did our homework (a.k.a. hours of Man vs. Food watching) and found these Quaker Steak wings at the stadium. (By the way, is it just me, or does Max look exactly the same as he did when he was three? Yes? I know. So weird.)

We cheered on our team. I also cheered on the sun who was battling the clouds that day. Go Sun! You can do it! Show me the sunny!

We got there a little early and were lucky enough to sit in the visiting team family section. Careful what you criticize when you're sitting in the team family section. Somebody's mama might bop you on the head. (By the way, whenever Ryan is dressed in hat and sunglasses, I think he looks majorly CIA. I, on the other hand, look majorly DORK.)

Our cheering paid off. The Utes won! The team came over to sing the fight song after the win. It was really cool. It was also really cool because the clouds beat out the sun for the weather win. Womp, womp.

Pittsburgh also has beautiful architecture and a nice city center. We did not see the Pittsburgh ghetto of my imagination. I don't think it exists. Everybody we met was really friendly and nobody threatened to kill us with steel beams. Several people even called me "hon," which actually threw me a little off guard. I guess I'm getting used to our proximity to Philly because I was about to say, "Yo, knock it off with the 'hons' if you know what's good for yous." However, since I lived most of my life in Utah, I just smiled and said, "I sure do apprecia'cha!"

Speaking of Man vs. Food, we followed Adam Richman's advice and made a bee-line after the game to Primanti Brothers for their famous sandwiches. There were lots of "hons" flying around that place, but it's not what you think....

It was me saying, "Well, helllooooo, hon," to this sandwich. Let's dissect the layers, shall we? Bread, tomatoes, tomatoes, cole slaw, cole slaw, cole slaw, runny egg, french fries, french fries, cheese, pastrami, and bread. Don't make that face. It was bliss, I tell you. Pure bliss. 

Pittsburgh. It's the land of many wonders. Like, I wonder why I had such totally false ideas of what it would be like. Perhaps the word "pitts" is to blame. Maybe subconsciously the ideas of avocado pits and armpits created the negative connotations?

If I were the mayor of Pittsburgh, I'd start a PR campaign to educate dumb, prejudiced people like me. And the first thing I'd do is change the name officially to Brad Pittsburgh. It's much more appropriate and fitting, don't you think? It brings to mind all sorts of wonderful connotations.

Brad Pittsburgh: The Devastatingly Handsome City

Brad Pittsburgh: We'll Adopt You And Love You Like Our Own

Brad Pittsburgh: We Oughta Be In Movies

Brad Pittsburgh: Angelina Jolie Chose Us, Why Don't You?

Those are just a few ideas off the top of my head, but I think I'm on to something. 

Goodbye, Brad Pittsburgh! I hope to see you again soon!

Sometimes I Have to Remind Myself...

• When I don't feel like a writer, I can just pretend to be a writer.
• There's an ebb and flow to everything, especially good times and bad.
• If I want to lose weight, I have to stop eating stuff.
• Taking my contacts out feels monumentally easier at 8:30 than at 10:30.
• Loving people doesn't require solving their problems.
• Making dinner is usually more fulfilling than going out. Except for when I'm really, really tired.
• Being a good person usually requires action.
• Cleaning the kitchen doesn't take nearly as long as I think it does.
• Everything is better with mushrooms.
• I'll thank myself for every time I record my kids on video.
• Trashy TV should only be enjoyed in small, delicious doses.
• Good ideas usually come after about 300 dumb ones.
• Putting myself out there almost always ends up paying off.
• Be thankful, appreciative, and gracious at every opportunity.
• Celebrate anything. Everything.
• I am not my job, my salary, my weight.
• Accept change. Welcome it, if possible.
• Dance in the kitchen.
• Sing in the car.
• Give funny greeting cards.
• Don't judge. Ever. Not even when you really, really want to.
• A root beer float is delicious when you haven't had one in a long time.
• Err on the side of compassion.
• Electricity is amazing. So is pasta. And guacamole.
• Never pass up the opportunity for a ridiculous self-portrait.

Hey Me, Where Are You?

Do you ever feel out of touch with who you used to be? I've been wondering how I became estranged from me, version 2007. I liked her. She had lots of energy and ideas.

5 Unrelated Facts and 5 Haikus

• Max has been referring to his "Netherlands" as his "boing loings."
• My dog is getting fat.
• I love Man vs. Food. It's part of my watch-people-eating-instead-of-eating diet.
• Christian gives shockingly wise love advice to his compadres.
• Ryan likes apps on his Blackberry.

Here are five haikus dedicated to those 5 facts.

Boing Loings

Call them what you want

But make no mistake, my friend

No one wants them kicked.

Fat Doggy

It hurts my feelings

The way you look at my dog

And judge her. Stop that.

Weird Diet

I'll watch you eat that.

I'll imagine how it tastes

While you gain the weight

Dr. Love

He might be a kid

But don't ignore his advice

If you want the girl.

Apps

Fandango, TripIt,

Open Table, Weather Bug,

The man has got apps.

A Worthy Cause

Max just informed me that he needs to wear pink tomorrow and bring at least five pennies to school tomorrow to help fight "breath cancer."

I hate breath cancer. I hope I never get it.

In other cancer-y news, I get to accompany Alyssa to her last chemo treatment tomorrow. (Hooray! Hooray!)  I made cookies to help celebrate with her chemo friends and nurses. I packed them in a Brookstone bag I had from last Christmas. I hope the bag won't cause any confusion for anybody. I don't want them trying to use the cookies for an ergonomic neck pillow or to try plugging their iPods into them.

It's just a bag, people.

Anyway, tomorrow, whatever you're doing, I hope you find time to think about those fighting the good fight against cancer. Breast, breath, and otherwise.

For the Record

I did work on the Book yesterday.

I also made the first pot roast of my life.

But wait, there's more.

I plan to do both again.

Thanks for the encouragement.

But wait, there's more.

Here's my boys. Remember them? One is really enjoying himself and one is really restraining himself.

Here's my other boy. This photo was taken by Max as part of a two-part series called "Happy Dad, Abstract Dad." I accidentally deleted "Abstract Dad." Oops.

But wait, there's more.

Do you need anything texted for you? I know a guy. He's very good at it. Quite proficient. Quite prolific. Quite protextual.

I hire most of my texting out to him. 

Shhhh!

Pssst! Over here. Yeah, down here, under the table. Hurry, before it sees you! I'll scoot over so you can fit.

Yes, we're hiding. But seriously, you've got to whisper before it finds us.

What do you mean, what are we hiding from? Isn't it obvious? The Story, the Book. It's lurking around here trying to find me, trying to make me make good on my plans to write it today. But I figured if I just crouch down here under the table until the kids get home from school, I'll be safe for another day. Good idea, huh?

Yeah, the Book is driving me nuts. It's like this big, fat obligation I have sitting on my head. I try to be nice to it, but it's so....I don't know, needy and oppressive and entitled.  And sloooow. I mean, it's really hard for me because I'm so different from that. It's a very one-sided relationship, you know?

Wait. What? You're leaving? But you just got here! I was looking forward to your company!

You expect me to sit all alone under the kitchen table all day by myself? I brought Oreos and nail polish and an iPod! You can play Angry Birds! You know, as long as you're really, really quiet.

No, I'm not crazy. This is very rational. You just don't know the Book like I do.

Stop being judgmental.

Yes, I want to write the Book. I do. I really do.

I just don't want to do it today. I'm not "feeling it," you know?

Well, probably tomorrow would be better. Maybe Thursday. Yeah, Thursday. Definitely.

You don't mean that. You don't really think I'm an idiot, do you?

Well, thanks a lot. Some friend you turned out to be. Give me back that Oreo.

Wait, stop shouting. Oh my gosh, please stop. The Book is going to hear you. Quit ratting me out!

I AM NOT HIDING UNDER THE TABLE, BOOK! I WAS...DUSTING. AND PICKING UP OREOS!

Oh. Well, there you are! Hey, Book! I see you've met my friend. You know, the overbearing, pretentious one I've told you about.  Yes, yes, it has been a while. Heh, heh.

What? You've been wandering around the house for an hour looking for me? That's crazy! I was here! I was right here just, you know, waiting for you to get here so that we could spend some quality time together. I thought you were late, or forgot or something, which is totally okay because that stuff happens all the time. That's just life, you know? I'm very forgiving and understanding of such things.

No, no, don't be silly. I would never try to avoid you!

Don't listen to her.

That's not true.

I never said that.

She's taking that completely out of context.

Well, yes, we do have our issues, Book. That's probably fair to say.

Alright. Fair point.

I can be that way, sure.

Wait a minute, now. A wussy? Me? I'm...I'm speechless. I don't even know what to say to that.

Very funny.

Yes. Yes, I do want to write the rest of you, Book.

No, I really do. I won't be able to live with myself if I don't.

Yes, I realize that.

Yes, I know.

That's true.

You're right.

Yep, one page at a time.

I know, I shouldn't care about that.

Or that.

You're right. We do need each other.

Sure, let's hug it out.

Oh, you mean all of us? Well. Okay.

Me too. I'm sorry too. To both of you.

Yes, let's get writing, Book. I'm ready. Let me just say goodbye to my friend.

Okay, you too. Thanks for coming by.

No, you can't have the Oreo back.

Just kidding. Thanks again.

54 Thoughts

1. I'm killing time.
2. In forty minutes I'm heading out the door.
3. I'm going to New Jersey.
4. I'm going to have a sleepover in New Jersey. 
5. I've never had a sleepover with New Jersey before.
6. I've packed my bag and a sleeping bag.
7. And a toothbrush.
8. The TV is on to keep my company.
9. A generic decorating show on HGTV.
10. I'm venturing out from my regular two channels: Bravo and Food Network.
11. You should be so proud.
12. This is the part of the generic decorating show where the homeowner gets doubtful about the decorator's color recommendations.
13. This is called "decorating drama."
14. I'm not sure, but I have a feeling they're going to love it in the end.
15. It's raining cats and puppies.
16. A while ago it was raining cats and dogs. 
17. This weather report is brought to you by generic decorating shows.
18. Want to know why I'm not watching Food Network right now?
19. Because the Neelys are on.
20. They drive me nuts.
21. I'm all for being in love with your spouse, but there is way too much sugar going on.
22. And exuberance.
23. And self-satisfaction.
24. And spouse satisfaction.
25. Oh my gosh, the the big reveal just happened on the decorating show.
26. The young couple has yet to use an exclamation point, though I think they like it.
27. This is very confusing.
28. Have they not seen decorating shows before?
29. They're supposed to cover their mouths with both hands, jump up and down, and joyfully express a few expletives.
30. It's not unusual to see a few tears.
31. Rookies, I guess.
32. I hate to admit it, but this couple could use a little "Neely" in their expression of emotion.
33. I'm sorry, Neelys. 
34. I harshly judged you.
35. Forgive me.
36. And then forgive me for continuing to boycott your show.
37. The rain is not letting up.
38. I need to go out and check the mail before I leave.
39. I guess I will drive to the mailbox on my way out.
40. I need to put the clothes from the washer into the dryer.
41. But it's raining cats and dogs.
42. I realize that I don't have to go outdoors to get to the washer and dryer.
43. But I thought I'd try that excuse.
44. Did it work?
45. There's a new show on now.
46. The challenge is to decorate a Cape Cod home.
47. Three decorators are vying for the job.
48. If they choose the first decorator, I'm going to throw a fit.
49. The couch she suggested was ridiculous.
50. I have to leave now.
51. I'll never find out.
52. Maybe that's for the better.
53. I'm off to Jersey now.
54. Yo.

I wish I had written this...

Found here.