Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Care To Help a Leper?

I have leprosy. It's a mild case, but I thought I should let you know. There is a small, scaly stripe of skin on my left eyelid that hurts. Leprosy is painful, in case you didn't know. It's serious mild pain I'm experiencing. Each morning, I shed another layer of flakey, pie-crust-like skin. One step closer to death.

I've been administering hydrocortisone cream to it for three days, even though the tube distinctly says, "DO NOT USE ON EYES." I suspect this is because the makers of the medication are anti-leper, and prefer that we suffer. It's an age-old bigotry that I'm fighting, as well as a dermatological disease. (See: The Bible.) So far the leprosy is limited to my eyelid, but things can get serious fast. I could wake up tomorrow without a leg.

I think I caught leprosy because I'm also suffering from hypothermia. It's that hypothermic time of year around here, and everybody knows that hypothermia often leads to leprosy (and dressing in ugly fleece clothing). We keep the thermostat at Effing Cold* during the day to save money. And since I'm the only one home during the day, I dress like an eskimo and pray for global warming.

The bad news is, the hydrocortisone and fleece sweatpants aren't working. (But the praying does make me feel better temporarily.)

If you are wondering how to help me, please send cash. Insurance, as you might guess, does not cover leprosy. (Anti-leperism runs deep in the insurance industry.) Only cash will help me now. Its cool, soothing, papery texture will be administered to my eyelid in the form of a makeshift patch worn for five minutes per bill, after which a new bill must be administered. For some reason, twenties and fifties seem to work best.

Thank you for your time and your concern. And your money.

Love,
Me


(*I am not a fan or user of the F-word, but I find the term "effing" hilarious. So sue me. After you send me cash.) 

15 comments:

Hil said...

Oh how I've missed you and your awesomeness. I had a bad case of leprosy just last month, on the very same eyelid. Weird. I used a cure-all product called Vaseline (not windex like some others like to believe) and it went away after a few days. I'll have to thank the inventor of Vaseline for saving my life some day. Wishing lots of cash your way! (As for me I haven't seen the likes of that stuff for months. If I happen to come across any I'll get it right in the mail for ya.)

Becky said...

Oh my gosh! Too funny! I SO needed some Tiffany therapy today. (And I got it in two ways! Thank you, thank you!) In fact, I think I owe you one because of it...so the cash is in the mail.

Artax said...

You make me laugh. You know, you may need to wear more than just fleece. Try adding scarf and hat and, most importantly, a clown nose. It's important to keep the tip of your nose warm in winter conditions.

Kim said...

I am so sorry to hear that you've got leprosy. That is serious. I am sending large bills right away in hopes you will feel better. Praying for a fast recovery.

jennie w. said...

I used to get really scaly skin under my eyes until I created a magical cream that got rid of it and it's never come back. I don't know that it would help you since I have no idea what's causing your scaly skin, but its worth a try!

email me! jennieblogsalot (at) gmail

Angie said...

Well, the good news is that you will eventually be sent to a colony where you'll be surrounded by those who know and feel your pain. Hey! We always wanted to start a colony/commune, remember? Nice

Hooray for a new blog post. Oh, and Blake is back at the bookstore! It's fun.

Dede said...

You are so effing funny. Thanks for the laugh.

Leslie said...

Since we're related, I thought we might have the same form of leprosy. Wash with Johnsons baby shampoo -- not the head to toe stuff -- the good old fashioned stuff. I still wash my eyes with it everyday, even though my leprosy cleared up over a year ago after I discovered this cure. Good luck and I love you, and your blog!

Leslie said...

(Sorry, that sounds like I used the Johnson's baby shampoo for a year before it cleared up. No, it had immediate results, and I've continued to use it for a year.)

Mia said...

My eye doctor told me to wash my eyelids (specially the lash line) with Johnson's and Johnson's too... Hope it feels better soon.

Lindy-Lou said...

PLEASE don't use cortisone in any form on your eyes. This is your mother speaking!

SO HAPPY that my daily mining for a post from you finally paid off! You are hilarious.

Christy said...

HILARIOUS!

Ginnie said...

I was going to say, that was effing funny, but I noticed that someone already said that and now... now, I have nothing.

well, maybe this...
you effing kill me.

Jesse C said...

Oh boy. You kill me. Thanks for the laugh.

Omgirl said...

You should probably get rid of that pet armadillo, too. That's how I got leprosy. (No really. They carry leprosy.) (But I don't really have it. Leprosy.) (Or an armadillo.) (But just in case you do, get rid of it.)(The armadillo, I mean.)

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