Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. I'm sort of excited about it because, for the first time in my life, I've been flossing regularly. I'm not sure how I got things to click with me and dental floss, but it's now part of my morning routine. The other day I ran out of dental floss and felt mild panic until I was able to locate some more. Ever find yourself thinking that people will never change? Well, I'm living proof that yes, Virginia, there is hope for the infrequent flossers of the world. Now I no longer have to cower in the judgement of the chatty hygienist as she retrieves particles of roast beef circa 2007 from my teeth while we talk about the weather, the price of gasoline, our respective summer plans and everything but the fact that I'm totally disgusting.

I have to say, though, my history of semi-annual flossing has served me well. I've only had a few cavities as an adult, significantly fewer than Ryan who flosses more often then he has bowel movements. Seriously, the guy is always flossing, even if there is no floss available. He goes into total MacGyver Mode when he feels the need to clear the pathways between his molars. The list of strange items he has used to floss with includes, but is not limited to the following:

  • loose threads from clothing
  • drinking straws
  • paper clips
  • torn pieces of plastic cup lids
  • torn pieces of shopping bags
  • printer paper
  • envelopes
  • business cards
  • elastic
  • fiber optic cable
  • headphone wire
  • pencils
  • car keys
  • tinsel
  • Easter basket grass
  • real grass
  • wheat
  • uncooked spaghetti
  • measuring tape
  • jumper cables
  • fingernails
  • corn husks
  • twist ties
  • fishing wire
  • action figures
  • refrigerator magnets
  • CD covers
  • floppy disks
  • spatulas
  • magazines
  • clotheslines
  • barbed wire
Okay, so maybe a few of those I made up, but the point is that Ryan flosses a lot. And in the most unusual ways. And unfortunately, his extreme flossing practices have brought him little success in the realm of anti-cavity-ism compared to my previous methods of microscopic food storage. His victory has only been in moral superiority.

But, of course, that's all changed. I'm a regular flosser now. Tomorrow it will be noted on my official medical records. The hygienist may even let me take two prizes from the treasure chest filled with an endless supply of neon-colored junk from Oriental Trading Company as a reward. We'll chat about the usual nothingness and really mean it this time, instead of using it as means of avoiding the elephant in the room. Specifically, the one lodged between my #3 and #4 bicuspids.

I'm giddy with anticipation.

What about you? Do you floss regularly?


kami @ nobiggie.net said...

I thought you'd never ask...I love to floss!
I use to be horrible about it, until my wisdom teeth were removed a few years ago, and now it's a part of my nightly routine because the gaps between my back teeth seem to trap everything.

HipHip for flossing!

Party on my flossing friend!

Hil said...

You are my favorite. I laughed out loud on this one... TWICE. Live it up tomorrow at the D.O., you deserve it.

Miranda said...

N8tr0n flosses a lot more than me but probably not with the fervor that your man does. :)

Also, I'm going to assume that the "fingernails" you listed are still attached to HIS fingers because otherwise...*shudder*.

Soul-Fusion said...

I've had moments of frequent flossing but am currently in a non-flossing phase and considering ramping back into the habit. . . you've inspired me.

Ginnie said...

I plead the fifth... You know what they say about the bishop's kids? Well, that's applicable in my case except it's the dentist's wife.

Becky said...

I flossed every day for a whole year. I thought this would lead to a healthy habit of flossing for the rest of my life. Not so. After my appointment at the dentist where I was praised for my efforts (the dentist said that even he didn't floss every day) I missed a day, then two. Now it's one of those things that I do once or twice a week. I'm ashamed to admit this. But thanks for asking because I feel a little better getting it off my chest. :)

Kate said...

I can't remember the last time I flossed. It's been years. Ok, months.

littlegypsy. said...

i just laughed SO hard i don't need to floss tonight. ;)

robin said...

never. and the dentist always says my teeth are beautiful and that i must be flossing regularly!

i've got them all fooled.

Angie said...

Never been a flosser, and brush only once a day - before bed. Is that gross? But, I've had 4 cavities total in 41 years. Maybe less is more? Good work, though, with optimal dental hygiene.

PS - I've never seen anyone floss with jumper cables :).

Lindy-Lou said...

Now I know what to get Ryan for Christmas.

Omgirl said...

I am a semi-annual guilt induced flosser. After my appointments (at which I hardly ever have a problem, it should be noted), I floss religiously for 2 weeks,and then I forget about it again unless I eat popcorn or beef jerky. then I'm all over that floss like a stripper on a g-string.

Mia said...

Not my favorite pastime in the world, but I do have the guilt induced floss on my list of things to do. So, were they impressed with your gums?

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