Wednesday, September 15, 2010

This Story Is Way Shorter Than It Looks

I'm suffering from a chronic case of writer's block
I think I need a strong antibiotic
And perhaps some sort of -ectomy
I've sat down to write many, many times
Then frozen completely
Several hours later when I finally thaw
I can't write
Because at that point I need a snack
Because I'm hypoglycemic
Speaking of hypoglycemia
Most people roll their eyes at the hypoglycemic population
(I'm looking at you, Ryan)
But that's just because they are jealous
That those of us who are hypoglycemic
Have to eat at regular intervals
Or else we get really mean
And lightheaded
And headache-y
And petty
And sometimes dead
I cannot be held accountable for things I say or do
When my blood sugar is low
I have a note from the doctor
No I don't
I just fibbed there
But you can't blame me
Because I haven't eaten for three and a half hours
Let's switch gears now
A funny thing happened today
Ryan's been waiting for some test results in the mail
Not results for blood sugar levels
Results from the licensing exam
He studied all summer long for that damned exam
It was one of the black rainclouds that hung over our summer
(There were others, too)
He took the exam at the end of the summer
And had to get a 70 percent to pass
It's a ridiculously difficult test
Most of which has nothing to do with his work at all
But a man's got to do what a man's got to do
And my man had to study for and pass this test
He found out last week that he passed
(Holy Mother of Yahooeeee!)
But he didn't know his score
Until today
I got the mail and texted him that it arrived
I asked him if he wanted me to open it
He didn't reply right away
So I was forced to open it
(My blood sugar was low at the time)
I saw his score and was confused
It said 720
I thought maybe a decimal was missing
Like, it was supposed to be 72.0
And I thought to myself
Wow, he barely passed
That's going to bother him
He's going to ruminate about this for months
When he finally texted me back
(After I'd had a cookie to prevent death)
I asked him if he wanted to know his score
He said yes
I told him that he got a 72
Or at least what I figured was a 72
I told him the decimal was missing
It just said 720
But it was supposed to be 72.0
Because I had it all figured out, of course
He called me at that point
He was laughing
He said 720 is the scaled score
Which made sense, now that he mentioned it
Since it said "Scaled Score: 720" on the paper
I asked him what that meant, then
What's your score? I said
He said, Well, 500 is 70 percent
Which means 720 is way more than 70 percent
Even more than 72.0 percent
You betcha
Like ninety-something percent
He's not exactly sure how many percent
Because as it turns out
That is a really tough math problem to figure out
And this wasn't a math exam
It was a licensing exam
Which he passed, by the way
With a buttload of flying colors
And I couldn't figure out what percentage it was either
Because I'm hypoglycemic


Michelle said...

I'm kind of happy for your writers block because that was damn entertaining.

SB said...

Great job, Ryan on passing that thing!

TIffany, I can relate to the low blood sugar. It is our burden to bear.

Kim said...

Congrats to Ryan and his awesome score. Hoping your hypoglycemia gets under control.

Dede said...

Not surprised! Hello, Ryan is the smartest person I know who doesn't flaunt his smartness. Way to go, Ryan! Let's celebrate in say....two weeks!

Jesse C said...

Yes! Ryan, you are the man. Last time pulled a 720, I was on a trampoline and then I fell on my face.

Next time you experience the writer's block, let this nugget of joy enter your mind.

"You are loved."

Annie said...

congrats to ryan! and thanks for relaying the news in a very entertaining fashion!!!

Leslie said...

"buttload of flying colors" -- kind of a funny visual!

So happy for you AND Ryan! WAaay to go! I think the answer is probably 99.99999714238%, but don't quote me, you know, low blood sugar.

Mia said...

Yeah hooray for passing the licensing exam, Ryan!! I think you should celebrate with take our food, combine your awesomeness and all.

Christy said...

Ahhhh, I laughed my butt off, this is funny, very funny!

I love that you had a cookie to prevent death. I'm still smiling and i miss you.

Becky said...

Yay Ryan! How awesome is he? Tell him congrats for me please. :) Love your posts- they always make me smile!

Artax said...

Congratulations to Ryan!

And on to more important things, how do you get diagnosed as hypoglycemic? Because I want that. It's like get-out-of-jail-free for fast Sundays.

Shannon said...

Congrats to Ryan and my sympathies for your writer's block. I heard a bit of advice about writer's block the other day: If you get stuck, think about the worst possible thing that could happen to your character and try it out. It's likely not something you'll keep in your story, but at least it will get you writing about your characters and may help to get the creative juices flowing enough to come up with something that would be good.

Great post!

Soul-Fusion said...

Congrats to Ryan!! I don't know how he feels about overshooting the 70% thing but I know when I've had pass/fail tests I'm usually bugged if I go too far over the pass percentage because I resent that I studied too much. Maybe that is just me.

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