L is for Loser

• This morning I had a panic attack
• Because I lost some Very Important Papers
• Papers from a new client I am writing for
• The last place I remembered having them was at the nail salon during my pedicure
• Four days ago
• I called the salon this morning in my panic
• They didn't have them
• I drove over to the salon in my pajamas
• And walked all around the fairly busy place
• Ducking under the pedicure chairs and everything
• Everyone was looking at me
• "I left some Very Important Papers here," I said.
• I got several kind, knowing glances from them
• Apparently losing Very Important Papers is a common experience
• Which only made me feel more panicked
• Because those knowing glances?
• They seemed to say, "Yeah, you're screwed."
• And all I could think about was calling the New Client and saying,
• "I lost the Very Important Papers during a pedicure."
• And then all I could think about was the New Client saying,
• "You'll never work in this town again!"
• And then throwing me out into a dark alley.
• This is what happens to my imagination during a panic attack
• I also kept thinking that the worst way to impress a New Client
• Is to lose their Very Important Papers
• In a nail salon
• It would be better to lose them while saving babies from a fire
• People would understand that you had to set down even the most important of papers
• For the sake of the babies
• I literally started crying twice
• Because I could taste the pavement in the dark alley
• And it tasted like self-loathing and regret and cat urine
• I went home and began searching again
• I found the Very Important Papers
• I mean, I FOUND THE VERY IMPORTANT PAPERS!
• They were on my desk
• I did the double blink when I saw them
• I was too overwhelmed to squeal in delight
• I fell into my chair
• Ryan was sitting nearby
• "You found them?" he asked.
• "I can't believe it," I said.
• "They were right here on my desk," I said.
• "I must have looked through this stuff 20 times already but didn't see them," I said.
• "Now you know how I feel," he said.
• Because I am always finding stuff he lost
• Because it's never actually lost
• It's actually just sitting in plain sight
• And I am the only one who can see it
• Because I have a special superpower that allows me to see stuff in plain sight
• Stuff in the fridge
• Stuff in drawers
• Stuff on the coffee table
• And especially stuff in the pantry
• I think I am going to sleep with the Very Important Papers under my pillow tonight
• I am so happy to be faux-reunited with them
• I will probably dream about Very Important Papers and me running in slow motion toward each other in a meadow
• On second thought, I am not going to put them under my pillow tonight
• On the off chance that I will forget they are there
• And tomorrow afternoon when I need them
• The cycle will start again