Sunday, August 8, 2010

L is for Loser

  • This morning I had a panic attack
  • Because I lost some Very Important Papers
  • Papers from a new client I am writing for
  • The last place I remembered having them was at the nail salon during my pedicure
  • Four days ago
  • I called the salon this morning in my panic
  • They didn't have them
  • I drove over to the salon in my pajamas
  • And walked all around the fairly busy place
  • Ducking under the pedicure chairs and everything
  • Everyone was looking at me
  • "I left some Very Important Papers here," I said.
  • I got several kind, knowing glances from them
  • Apparently losing Very Important Papers is a common experience
  • Which only made me feel more panicked
  • Because those knowing glances?
  • They seemed to say, "Yeah, you're screwed."
  • And all I could think about was calling the New Client and saying,
  • "I lost the Very Important Papers during a pedicure."
  • And then all I could think about was the New Client saying,
  • "You'll never work in this town again!"
  • And then throwing me out into a dark alley.
  • This is what happens to my imagination during a panic attack
  • I also kept thinking that the worst way to impress a New Client
  • Is to lose their Very Important Papers
  • In a nail salon
  • It would be better to lose them while saving babies from a fire
  • People would understand that you had to set down even the most important of papers
  • For the sake of the babies
  • I literally started crying twice
  • Because I could taste the pavement in the dark alley
  • And it tasted like self-loathing and regret and cat urine
  • I went home and began searching again
  • I found the Very Important Papers
  • I mean, I FOUND THE VERY IMPORTANT PAPERS!
  • They were on my desk
  • I did the double blink when I saw them
  • I was too overwhelmed to squeal in delight
  • I fell into my chair
  • Ryan was sitting nearby
  • "You found them?" he asked.
  • "I can't believe it," I said.
  • "They were right here on my desk," I said.
  • "I must have looked through this stuff 20 times already but didn't see them," I said.
  • "Now you know how I feel," he said.
  • Because I am always finding stuff he lost
  • Because it's never actually lost
  • It's actually just sitting in plain sight
  • And I am the only one who can see it
  • Because I have a special superpower that allows me to see stuff in plain sight
  • Stuff in the fridge
  • Stuff in drawers
  • Stuff on the coffee table
  • And especially stuff in the pantry
  • I think I am going to sleep with the Very Important Papers under my pillow tonight
  • I am so happy to be faux-reunited with them
  • I will probably dream about Very Important Papers and me running in slow motion toward each other in a meadow
  • On second thought, I am not going to put them under my pillow tonight
  • On the off chance that I will forget they are there
  • And tomorrow afternoon when I need them
  • The cycle will start again

    15 comments:

    Hannah said...

    Oh my goodness. That sounds like me. I lost some expensive sunglasses once. Turned out they were on my head.

    So glad you found them!

    Shauna said...

    So very witty and relatable. Love it and so glad you found your papers.

    Kristina P. said...

    So funny. I could feel your stomach in your throat!

    JMGJ said...

    There'll be no eating of pavement for my sister!!
    Glad you found them. We must share that superpower gene. I am the designated finder at our home too.

    Suzie said...

    "Faux-reunited with them"

    BWAHAHAAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH HA HA HAA

    I tell my kids to look for those things they can't find with their "mom eyes"
    It's a gift, really. Glad you had it and glad you had it after you lost it & then had it again.
    :)

    Soul-Fusion said...

    I never understand how things can hide in plain sight. So very glad you found your very important papers, that is no way to start your day.

    Lindy-Lou said...

    Someday I'll have to tell you about the 'missing box' my first year as camp director. Actually, it's still a little painful to speak of. I love to hear life's stresses put in their hilarious place. You have a gift.

    Christy said...

    So well written. I was right there with you the whole time! I can still taste the pavement in the dark alley. I think I need chocolate now to help me through this.

    Kelly S. said...

    Don't put them under your pillow! The tooth fairy will take them!

    tiburon said...

    Phew! Thank goodness you found them. I could almost taste that dark alley with you!

    Anonymous said...

    Sorry about your panic attack!! I am with Tiburon. I could almost taste and smell that cat urine in the alley! Gag!!! When you find things like that, almost as good as Christmas...without the urine.

    heidi b.

    Anonymous said...

    I've both done this before ("lost" them and then found them) AND really effing lost them be it papers, my wallet, sunglasses or any number of things. The panic is excrutiating because of the self-loathing that accompanies the hysterical search. thanks for making me smile though, and realize we all lose our minds a little. So where are all our minds?
    kristin

    Gig Girl said...

    No, L is for LMAO! Which is what I did while reading your blog (after I realized that the Very Important Papers were all safe and sound, of course! :)

    Mia said...

    I almost had full on panic attack... thank goodness you found them! You have such a way with words :)

    alex dumas said...

    *This* is good poetry.

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