Random: Splinter Group Edition

1. Boy, do I have a lot of things to tell you.
2. Yesterday my mom informed me that I might possibly be related to the Amish.  
3. Or at least a splinter group of the Amish.
4. IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE NOW, ISN'T IT?
5. If proven true, this will be a touching portion of the Hallmark made-for-TV movie of my life.
6. Or the E! True Hollywood Story.
7. Either one.
8. Speaking of the Amish, I used a little bit of my Amish hot sauce last night on my chicken tacos.
9. Just a splash.
10. It was mildly delicious.
11. Yet wholesome.
12. With a tiny suggestion of spice.
13. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
14. But was overwhelmed with guilt afterward.
15. And felt compelled to repent.
16. That's Amish hot sauce for you.
17. In other news, I visited the dermatologist yesterday.
18. I made some observations.
19. There is a vast difference between the waiting rooms of the dermatologists and the family practitioners.
20. And the gynaroos.
21. And the pediatricians.
22. And even some dentists.
23. The dermatologists office was more like a five-star hotel lobby.
24. And I wondered: Does a dermatology resident do a rotation in Interior Design?
25. I think they do.
26. The "nodules" on my legs are nothing to worry about.
27. Scar tissue from bug bites or ingrown hairs, they said.
28. The dark spot on my forehead is also fine.
29. It's hormonal, they said.
30. "I'm not hormonal!" I screamed.
31. No, I didn't.
32. But that would have been funny.
33. I probably didn't scream that because I'm part Amish.
34. And we just don't do that.
35. Even the splinter groups.
36. We barely eat hot sauce, for crying out loud.
37. I did have a mole cut off yesterday.
38. It's not suspicious, they said, just ugly.
39. And they should know--they've got a degree in Interior Design.
40. So, just to recap--yesterday at the dermatologist I was called hormonal and ugly.
41. And I paid them for it.
42. I felt a little funny about it.
43. But maybe that was just the numbing shots they gave me before the mole-cutting.
44. That made me feel funny too.
45. Actually, that made me feel nothing.
46. Which is funny, if you think about it.
47. Unless you're a robot.
48. This morning Max woke up and put on his Halloween costume.
49. He said, "I can't believe it's October!"
50. I don't know how I'm going to break it to him.
51. You know, that he's part Splinter Group Amish.
52. And we just don't celebrate Halloween.
53. Perhaps I can find a loophole here.
54. What if I dress him up as an Amish kid?
55. Technically, he wouldn't be in costume.
56. I'm really liking the idea of dressing him up as an Amish kid.
57. Then, I wouldn't have to rent an Amish kid .
58. Or go to prison for proposing to rent one.
59. Actually, I don't think I'd go to prison.
60. Once the jury finds out that I'm part Splinter Group Amish, they'll acquit.
61. They'll think I'm subconsciously reaching out to my roots.
    
62. And they will be overcome with compassion.
63. My attorney will show the photograph of my great grandmother and great aunt wearing their little bonnets.
    
64. And everything will be water under the bridge.
65. And also, I will have my attorney serve them Amish donuts while they deliberate.
    
66. They will be putty in our hands.
67. It's a lot of hassle I can avoid.
68. By just dressing my kids up in Amish clothes.
69. Which they will learn to like.
70. Because I will bribe them with video games.
71. And feed them Amish donuts.
72. And small splashes of Amish hot sauce in their chicken tacos.
73. It's win-win.
74. I love it when a plan comes together.
75. Would it bother you if this post ended on number 74 instead of a nice, solid number like 75?
76. Yeah, me too.