Friday, September 11, 2009

Random With a Side of Tea and Crumpets

  1. I have kidney stones.  
  2. I decided to start with that statement today because it's pouring rain outside and I thought the occasion called for a little drama.  
  3. It looks very British outside.
  4. Or at least what I imagine to be a British forecast.
  5. I'd give anything for a British accent.
  6. I'd walk around spouting words like "Burberry" and "genteel" and "dashing."
  7. And I would describe my kidney stones with stoic reservation.
  8. I really do have kidney stones; please don't forget that.
  9. I want you to read the rest of this post with a sympathetic pout and a genuine concern for my well-being.
  10. I am only in occasional, minor discomfort at this point because the stones are still hanging around my kidneys.
  11. If they decide to pack up and head south, I'm in big trouble.
  12. Bloody awful trouble, I surmise.  (Written with a British accent.)
  13. I went to the doctor last week and told her that I was having a pain in my mid-to-lower back on the right-hand side that reminded me of the kidney stones I had years ago.
  14. She surmised (in an American accent) that the pain was similar because it is coming from more kidney stones.
  15. What's a blog for, if not to describe your medical problems in detail to your readers?
  16. Speaking of my medical issues, I have another doctor appointment coming up--strange growths on my legs.
  17. "Nodules" as my doctor neighbor described them.
  18. I also have a patch of dark skin in the middle of my forehead.  
  19. My brother-in-law the doctor recommends a chemical peel.
  20. I think a chemical peel sounds downright dreadful!  (Again, written with a British accent.)
  21. I don't want my face peeled off; I like it where it is.
  22. I also have knee pain and yesterday I purchased my first pair of reading glasses.
  23. Tomorrow I am going to tour assisted-living centers and test-drive a Jazzy scooter.
  24. I may be able to get one with no out-of-pocket expense!
  25. But, just in case you're keeping notes, the toenail fungus is finally gone!
  26. That's right, folks, I'm cured.
  27. Although, now it seems that the toenail fungus could have been the very thing keeping me all together.
  28. Back to the kidney stones, though--I really want you to focus on the kidney stones.
  29. The doctor said that eating a lot of citrus can help them break down.
  30. So I've been squeezing lemons over everything, including my macaroni and cheese and potato chips.
  31. And my toothpaste.
  32. And my cell phone.
  33. And when I'm done with squeezing lemons, I eat a gallon of orange sherbet.
  34. And then a box of Lemonheads.
  35. And then all the yellow and orange Starbursts in the package, even though they are my least favorite flavors.
  36. It's a sacrifice for my health.
  37. Are you enjoying my medical history?
  38. Good, there's more.
  39. I have never broken a bone.
  40. Except for my big toe, which was stepped on by a large, freckled boy at a church dance.
  41. I am not allergic to any medicines.
  42. I have no history of mental illness.  (All my mental illness is current.)
  43. My preferred anesthesia is laughing gas, bubble-gum flavored.
  44. Do you think they can prescribe laughing gas for a kidney stone?
  45. Do they do that in England?
  46. I bet they do.
  47. I don't need the laughing gas right now, but I'd like to have it on hand. 
  48. You know, in case the stones pack up and head south for the winter.
  49. Or the early fall.
  50. Or ever.
  51. I think I'm just about done with my medical transcripts.
  52. Urine and stool samples are available upon request.
  53. I think "stool" is a hilarious word.
  54. Except when it refers to short, sturdy objects to stand on.
  55. Nothing funny about that.
  56. But anyway, I'm done for now.
  57. Cheerio!  I'm off to work now and I've really got to hustle and bustle.
  58. I bet you thought that was written with a British accent.
  59. You're wrong; it was Australian that time.
  60. Have a great weekend.
  61. And while you're out having fun, please remember me and my kidney stones and my British weather.
  62. And then send me five bucks.

28 comments:

Robin said...

You are funny, lady!
While I wanted to laugh out loud, I was instead reading this with a British accent and a stoic smirk.
I hope you feel better soon!

Kim said...

Best of luck with your kidney stones. Let's hope they hang out in the kidney for awhile. By the way, I happen to have British neighbors...jealous?

Cheerio!

jennie w. said...

Sorry about the stones. I hear they're beyond horrid.

P.S. I've had several Chemical peels. They are nothing like you imagine. No big deal at all.

Kristina P. said...

So, for some reason, whenever I see my husband lately, I yell "Hello!" to him, in British accent, so it sounds like "Ello!" It's weird.

Ginnie said...

I will pray for you kidney stones, your, borwn patch of skin, and your nodules... most definitely your nodules. ;)

katie said...

Grammie had a Jazzy. She drove it into everything! And kidney stones.....HELL! I had them with my last two pregnancies. As if being pregnant wasn't bad enough, I had to lay in a hospital bed for days barfing my guts out til they passed. Good thing I'm never going to be pregnant again. I'd rather poke my eyeballs out and do all kinds of hell-ish things rather than go through that again.
Just FYI....if the pain hits bad, go to the Womens Center of the local hospital. Tell them you're pregnant and they'll get you in really fast. Don't even mess with the ER. Lame-O's.
Can you tell i'm still not over it?

Tiffany said...

Did the doctor that said "nodules" surmise with a British accent? Nodules seems like a British word...

Anonymous said...

Kidney Stones! What you talkin bout Tiff? So Sorry! I'm sure if you eat a pan of LEMON BARS, that will instantly dissolve those darn kidney stones! They are the magis ingredient.

heidi b

Becky said...

That was too funny! Not the part where you have kidney stones. That's plain awful. Good luck with that- I wouldn't wish that on anyone! I love your accent by the way.

Donna said...

Right-oh.

Those British. They are so very stoic.

Angie said...

I am seriously sorry about your kidney stones, really. I've heard that they really are bloody awful.

You know, if you were actually in England your medical care would be free...sorry...the healthcare issue is on everyone's mind right now.

KimmyGoat said...

Kidney stones. BAH. It's too bad they don't offer an epidural for birthing them. Perhaps some lemon tea might do the trick? Pinky up!

Leslie said...

While your medical care in Britain would be free, you would have to wait 3 years to get into see the doctor. By then you'd have picked up lots of naughty British words to describe your pain and the lack of care!

I am very sorry that you have kidney stones. I am very happy that you are so darn funny in sharing!

Kami said...

Stool!

I was going to leave it at that, because stool is too funny of a word, that it should get it's own comment, but I never talk about this on my blog, so I can here, oh yes I can.

I hate when people use the word poo. I wish everyone would just say poop and get on with it. Just say it fast and move on people.

Biggest pet peeve is when I over hear a mom asking little Timmy if he has to go "poooh". ew! awful!

That's it for now. One day I'll be brave enough to publish it on my blog. :)

Petit Elefant said...

very funny. although there is {in a serious voice} nothing funny about kidney stones. ugggggg.

thanks for sharing my jewelry post, so kind.

and when i see *i write this catalog* all i can think of is j. peterman from seinfeld.

JennyMac said...

kidney stones...ouch.
Hope you are fully recovered soon.

selement said...

i'm british! weather was sunny yesterday, so its not always bad! looks a bit miserable today though...you may be surprised that many brits associate burberry with the social underclass of society (aka 'chavs'), and that we don't say words like dashing very often! We do however call things 'rubbish' when we don't like them.

Mindi said...

your ailments are many--but man, they make for good blogging fodder!

okay, 1: do NOT peel your face off--that is your MONEY MAKER. (and i wish i looked like you.)

secondly, the yellow and orange starbursts are my least favorite, too! they are a waste of candy.

and, c: i love stool, but not as much as i love FLACCID.

and as much as i heart this post.

tiburon said...

I love it when you get all random. I feel the same way about chemical peels.

I love lemons.

And I have missed you :)

Lindy-Lou said...

Doctor Mom says, drink straight lemon juice. Often. It may be painful, but compared to passing a stone, not so much. So sorry, Tiff.

Kellybee said...

I feel kind of bad laughing at your expense...that was a damn funny post...kidney stones are very painful...at least, that's what my mom says. So sorry. I hope they head south very fast or they decide to dissolve on their own so that you can move on with your life! Take it easy! I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of positive energy your way!

MiaKatia said...

The commentary in my head often has a British accent. Bother! Kidney stones sound simply horrid. I do hope they pass soon (is that what you want them to do, pass). I have had microderm abrasion a couple of times and loved it, but no chemical peels. But, at least the toenail fungus is gone.

Annie said...

i'll be thinking of your kidney stones as i have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

no broken bones?? precisely the reason mom wouldn't buy me roller blades. 3 broken arms by age 12.

you make me laugh, thanks i needed that.

Omgirl said...

Laughing gas. What a JOKE. And not the ha-ha kind of joke, which you might think because of the name. No, it's the "joke's on you" kind of joke. Cause it makes me feel like I am trapped inside my brain and can't get out and I will die there without being able to tell anyone I'm stuck in there. Does that sound laughable to you?? No. Not even when it comes flavored like bubble gum .

Simon said...

I would be willing to take part in some kind of accent-exchange programme, if you're interested.

Soul-Fusion said...

Funny.
Except for the kidney stones. I had those once and will never forget that pain. Are you better now?

aimee heff said...

You are so funny. I am so happy to read you.

Good luck with those stones. They've probably passed by now since I am late in reading but I hope they came out with ease.

shannon p. said...

That was so funny - as always...except for the part about the kidney stones - that sounds miserable - nothing funny about that!

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