Random With a Side of Tea and Crumpets

1. I have kidney stones.  
2. I decided to start with that statement today because it's pouring rain outside and I thought the occasion called for a little drama.  
3. It looks very British outside.
4. Or at least what I imagine to be a British forecast.
5. I'd give anything for a British accent.
6. I'd walk around spouting words like "Burberry" and "genteel" and "dashing."
7. And I would describe my kidney stones with stoic reservation.
8. I really do have kidney stones; please don't forget that.
9. I want you to read the rest of this post with a sympathetic pout and a genuine concern for my well-being.
10. I am only in occasional, minor discomfort at this point because the stones are still hanging around my kidneys.
11. If they decide to pack up and head south, I'm in big trouble.
12. Bloody awful trouble, I surmise.  (Written with a British accent.)
13. I went to the doctor last week and told her that I was having a pain in my mid-to-lower back on the right-hand side that reminded me of the kidney stones I had years ago.
14. She surmised (in an American accent) that the pain was similar because it is coming from more kidney stones.
15. What's a blog for, if not to describe your medical problems in detail to your readers?
16. Speaking of my medical issues, I have another doctor appointment coming up--strange growths on my legs.
17. "Nodules" as my doctor neighbor described them.
18. I also have a patch of dark skin in the middle of my forehead.  
19. My brother-in-law the doctor recommends a chemical peel.
20. I think a chemical peel sounds downright dreadful!  (Again, written with a British accent.)
21. I don't want my face peeled off; I like it where it is.
22. I also have knee pain and yesterday I purchased my first pair of reading glasses.
23. Tomorrow I am going to tour assisted-living centers and test-drive a Jazzy scooter.
24. I may be able to get one with no out-of-pocket expense!
25. But, just in case you're keeping notes, the toenail fungus is finally gone!
26. That's right, folks, I'm cured.
27. Although, now it seems that the toenail fungus could have been the very thing keeping me all together.
28. Back to the kidney stones, though--I really want you to focus on the kidney stones.
29. The doctor said that eating a lot of citrus can help them break down.
30. So I've been squeezing lemons over everything, including my macaroni and cheese and potato chips.
31. And my toothpaste.
32. And my cell phone.
33. And when I'm done with squeezing lemons, I eat a gallon of orange sherbet.
34. And then a box of Lemonheads.
35. And then all the yellow and orange Starbursts in the package, even though they are my least favorite flavors.
36. It's a sacrifice for my health.
37. Are you enjoying my medical history?
38. Good, there's more.
39. I have never broken a bone.
40. Except for my big toe, which was stepped on by a large, freckled boy at a church dance.
41. I am not allergic to any medicines.
42. I have no history of mental illness.  (All my mental illness is current.)
43. My preferred anesthesia is laughing gas, bubble-gum flavored.
44. Do you think they can prescribe laughing gas for a kidney stone?
45. Do they do that in England?
46. I bet they do.
47. I don't need the laughing gas right now, but I'd like to have it on hand. 
48. You know, in case the stones pack up and head south for the winter.
49. Or the early fall.
50. Or ever.
51. I think I'm just about done with my medical transcripts.
52. Urine and stool samples are available upon request.
53. I think "stool" is a hilarious word.
54. Except when it refers to short, sturdy objects to stand on.
55. Nothing funny about that.
56. But anyway, I'm done for now.
57. Cheerio!  I'm off to work now and I've really got to hustle and bustle.
58. I bet you thought that was written with a British accent.
59. You're wrong; it was Australian that time.
60. Have a great weekend.
61. And while you're out having fun, please remember me and my kidney stones and my British weather.
62. And then send me five bucks.