Thursday, October 1, 2009

Random: Splinter Group Edition

  1. Boy, do I have a lot of things to tell you.
  2. Yesterday my mom informed me that I might possibly be related to the Amish.  
  3. Or at least a splinter group of the Amish.
  4. IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE NOW, ISN'T IT?
  5. If proven true, this will be a touching portion of the Hallmark made-for-TV movie of my life.
  6. Or the E! True Hollywood Story.
  7. Either one.
  8. Speaking of the Amish, I used a little bit of my Amish hot sauce last night on my chicken tacos.
  9. Just a splash.
  10. It was mildly delicious.
  11. Yet wholesome.
  12. With a tiny suggestion of spice.
  13. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
  14. But was overwhelmed with guilt afterward.
  15. And felt compelled to repent.
  16. That's Amish hot sauce for you.
  17. In other news, I visited the dermatologist yesterday.
  18. I made some observations.
  19. There is a vast difference between the waiting rooms of the dermatologists and the family practitioners.
  20. And the gynaroos.
  21. And the pediatricians.
  22. And even some dentists.
  23. The dermatologists office was more like a five-star hotel lobby.
  24. And I wondered: Does a dermatology resident do a rotation in Interior Design?
  25. I think they do.
  26. The "nodules" on my legs are nothing to worry about.
  27. Scar tissue from bug bites or ingrown hairs, they said.
  28. The dark spot on my forehead is also fine.
  29. It's hormonal, they said.
  30. "I'm not hormonal!" I screamed.
  31. No, I didn't.
  32. But that would have been funny.
  33. I probably didn't scream that because I'm part Amish.
  34. And we just don't do that.
  35. Even the splinter groups.
  36. We barely eat hot sauce, for crying out loud.
  37. I did have a mole cut off yesterday.
  38. It's not suspicious, they said, just ugly.
  39. And they should know--they've got a degree in Interior Design.
  40. So, just to recap--yesterday at the dermatologist I was called hormonal and ugly.
  41. And I paid them for it.
  42. I felt a little funny about it.
  43. But maybe that was just the numbing shots they gave me before the mole-cutting.
  44. That made me feel funny too.
  45. Actually, that made me feel nothing.
  46. Which is funny, if you think about it.
  47. Unless you're a robot.
  48. This morning Max woke up and put on his Halloween costume.
  49. He said, "I can't believe it's October!"
  50. I don't know how I'm going to break it to him.
  51. You know, that he's part Splinter Group Amish.
  52. And we just don't celebrate Halloween.
  53. Perhaps I can find a loophole here.
  54. What if I dress him up as an Amish kid?
  55. Technically, he wouldn't be in costume.
  56. I'm really liking the idea of dressing him up as an Amish kid.
  57. Then, I wouldn't have to rent an Amish kid .
  58. Or go to prison for proposing to rent one.
  59. Actually, I don't think I'd go to prison.
  60. Once the jury finds out that I'm part Splinter Group Amish, they'll acquit.
  61. They'll think I'm subconsciously reaching out to my roots.
  62. And they will be overcome with compassion.
  63. My attorney will show the photograph of my great grandmother and great aunt wearing their little bonnets.
  64. And everything will be water under the bridge.
  65. And also, I will have my attorney serve them Amish donuts while they deliberate.
  66. They will be putty in our hands.
  67. It's a lot of hassle I can avoid.
  68. By just dressing my kids up in Amish clothes.
  69. Which they will learn to like.
  70. Because I will bribe them with video games.
  71. And feed them Amish donuts.
  72. And small splashes of Amish hot sauce in their chicken tacos.
  73. It's win-win.
  74. I love it when a plan comes together.
  75. Would it bother you if this post ended on number 74 instead of a nice, solid number like 75?
  76. Yeah, me too.

26 comments:

Katie H said...

I love your blog. You crack me up. Needed a laugh at work today.

Anneliese said...

nice new banner! to bad about that glittery zebra.

if you would have screamed at the doctor AND got a tad teary...icing on the cake.

Tiffany said...

The first time I ever saw your picture, I thought to myself, "Self, she looks a tad Amish!" For reals. It must be true.

Kim said...

You are funny! In the Amish sort of way.

Leslie said...

Oh my!!! You are so stinkin' hilarious!!

As a tribute to our Splinter Group Amish heritage, I went through my closet and got rid of everything with buttons and zippers. How do you think the Splinter Group Amish feel about running around naked?

Jesse C said...

Wait... I'm part Amish?

tiburon said...

That is rad. I want to be part Amish - even if it is a splinter group.

You just went up 4 points on the cool scale.

Omgirl said...

Amish Hot Sauce seems like an oxymoron. I just don't picture them as a spicy bunch.

On another note, I got a nodule removed off my leg 2 months ago. Currently the scar from it is as dark and ugly as the nodule was. I sure hope that is going to change.

Donna said...

You can always tell him it's Rumspringa but just for one day on Oct 31st, and he can do anything he wants as long as it involves dressing up in costume and going from house to house asking for candy. That way you won't be, you know, compromising your Amish values or anything.

Love your random posts. :)

April said...

I am still laughing. You are so funny. I need to come out and visit the Amish with you. Well, maybe not I have a feeling that I would never come back. They are totally cool. I love the Lehman's catalog. Then again they probably wouldn't accept me in their group, I just have too many issues with staying calm ALL the time. I watched this PBS show last week about the physical effects of stress on our bodies. It totally stressed me out. Maybe I'm adopted or the Amish genes just skipped me.
You are such a great writer. Thanks for taking time to write such hilarious stuff and cheer me up.

Kami said...

Your new header couldn't be more Rad! Tiffany Rad!

ps. Poor Max...30 more days, can he handle it?!

Becky said...

Your banner makes me smile! Very cute. I always love your random thoughts. They are my favorite. You are so right about dermatologist office's. They are gorgeous! Why don't other doc offices want us to feel like we are sitting in someone's really nice, and very comfortable living room? It would make waiting so much more enjoyable.

Tamara said...

This post made my day. Love the new banner. And seriously...I gotta get me some of those Amish donuts.

Angie said...

I'd like to comment on the sidebar cast of characters - "Hammerlan Lincoln" is one of the best things I've ever seen.

Really Wild West Mama said...

Ahhhh! The Amish and YOU, Tiffany!!! What a DELIGHT!!!!

Lindy-Lou said...

Now I know what to get you for Christmas. I'll ask April if the Lehman's catalogue carries black bonnets.

Tom Bailey said...

Great blog... Just trying to figure out why the number 76....

Soul-Fusion said...

I once went to the dermatologist to have a suspicious mole checked out only to be told it was a wart! I asked the doctor to remove it pronto.
p.s. I like the new banner and cast of characters - I miss those characters, by the way, it has been too long.

hannah :: sherbet blossom said...

love the new banner. :)

You Are My Fave said...

When I read the title to this post i thought you were referring to Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It always kind of grossed me out that he's a rat.

Maybe you inherited some awesome bread making skills from the Amish?

Suzie said...

6 TIMES! 6 Times I snorted while reading this.
Pure genius, you are.
An adorable, part Amish, fashionable, kind genius.

shannon p. said...

Always funny! So am I part Amish too, or is that from your mom's side? (I'll cross my fingers!)

Mindi said...

i TOTALLY enjoyed my amish noodles & sauce while reading this. that my favorite semi-amish friend brought me:)

i just went to the dermo last thursday and can TOTALLY "one-up" you--i had to get cream for my MEXICAN MUSTACHE pigment that makes me look like a man.

it's freaking AWESOME.

Mindi said...

okay, i'm worried that i'll comment on the posts further down that i just read and you won't see them, so i'm commenting here:

that poem you wrote? could be my most favorite thing ever to come from your genius computer. seriously. SO GREAT.

I LOVE YOU MOST. (don't ever forget that.)

summer said...

hilarious.
and i am so jealous of you and your splintered amish roots.

MiaKatia said...

Ditto on the fantastic banner! And ditto on your hilarious-ness too. AND you are totally invited to my birthday party :)

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