Sunday, August 22, 2010

My Special "Secret" Deodorant

You can't choose your miracles. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's true. I have requested a long slew of miracles over the years (keep dying people alive, bring dead people back, fix a loved one's depression, transport difficult people in my life to another continent or planet, keep that check from bouncing, help me drop 30 pounds in three days, make my overcooked pork roast not taste disgusting at the dinner party, etc., etc.) before I realized it doesn't work that way. You just get what you get. It's like Random Miracle Generator.

Funny thing is, I wasn't even looking for a miracle at the time, but for some reason a heavenly phenomena is occurring in my bathroom. I don't know how or why, but I've got a stick of deodorant that won't run out. About four months ago, I noticed that it was nearing the end and made a mental note to replace it. Of course, I forgot to get a new stick the first two times I hit the grocery store---panicked that I was going to have to use some of Ryan's Old Spice "Swagger" stick in the interim---but finally remembered just in time. Or so I thought.

Every day since then, when I'm getting ready, I pull out my miracle stick, give it a twist and wonder if it's going to be the last. And every day, the stick keeps producing! It's uncanny. It's bizarre. It's unreal. It's astounding. It's bewildering. It's perplexing. And it cannot be explained by modern science.

So, what does one do with a heaven-touched stick of deodorant?

I've resisted blogging about it for fear that this is just a private miracle, a special surprise God pulled out of His pocket for me, and prefers that I not mention it to His other children because then everybody will want a miracle stick of deodorant and He only had just this one that he got for free at a booth at the Miracle Convention.

I've wondered about sharing my miracle with the world. HEY, ANYBODY WANT TO USE MY SPECIAL STICK OF DEODORANT?!

{Crickets chirping.}

But then I thought that some dummy, instead of using only one twist per armpit, would probably twist and twist without using it to see if it will ever run out, which will definitely make it run out because you can't test a miracle like that.

So, I decided that only I would use the miracle deodorant.

And then I wondered if there is some kind of new Miracle Upgrade Program, like maybe I can use this miracle for a while and then trade it in along with some good deeds to get something else. (In fact, there's a few miracles that have my eye.) But then I thought about how annoyed I am when I give my kids something I think is special, like a bag of potato chips, and they say something like, "I like potato chips, but what I really wanted was a brand new PS3 video game." So, I decided not to ask about miracle upgrades after all, because I don't want Heavenly Father to have to resist the urge (or not!) to smack me.

I was finally content to keep this all to myself.

But then I read on someone's bumper sticker that you should recognize miracles or you won't get them anymore. I found myself in a real conundrum at that thought, and even though I love the word conundrum, it's not somewhere I like to be.

So, I'm risking everything by telling you about it. And I'm asking you:

What do you think it means that I have a miracle stick of deodorant?

What do you think I should do with it?

17 comments:

littlegypsy. said...

i think you should definitely keep using it...the world will thank you. that is all. ;)

Michelle said...

Hysterical Tiffany. And the entire time I was reading this I was pulled further in and yet wondering why the hell I was still reading about your deodorant.

BTW, I agree with Gypsy... it's summertime, you owe it to your fellow man to continue wearing it.

Jennie said...

I've had one of those (miracle deodorants that never ran out)... once I had learned what I was supposed to learn from it, it did eventually run out and I had to replace it. But, by then, I was on to the next miracle...now, no matter how many loads of laundry I do, I wake up to more laundry in the bottom of the basket. It's like the widow's cruse of oil and barrel of meal that Elijah blessed. It never runs out.

Kristina P. said...

I could only be so lucky.

Kate said...

You need to read Paper Towns by John Green. Seriously.

kami @ nobiggie.net said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kami @ nobiggie.net said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kami @ nobiggie.net said...

You'll never believe this...but I have one too. We are the chosen ones.

ps. If by chance it DOES run out, you could always make it into wall art.

Lora said...

I love this post. I've been reading your blog for awhile now and I just had to comment on this one. Made me laugh out loud and I had to read it to my husband. thanks for brightening up my day!

Donna said...

I would give anything for some miracle nutella right now.

I love the word conundrum too. It sounds so much more fun than it actually is.

Heather @ Alis Grave Nil said...

Too funny! I have definitely been there. And at the same time I wonder how the exact same brand of deodorant can run out so quickly sometimes? Great post. I got the giggles reading again. :)

Soul-Fusion said...

that is a serious blessing considering what a sticky, sweaty summer we've had!

Angie said...

Just keep using it, and if or when it does run out (when its purpose has been fulfilled), then encase it in a shadow box and hang it on the wall. Catholics do things like that. Why not us?

Mia said...

Thank you so much for sharing the story of your miracle deodorant! Truly, miracles are meant to be shared. But I will stop the sharing at the story if you don't mind ;)

Voice of Reason said...

I think you actually have to apply it to your skin for it to run out. Just taking the cap off and looking at it does not create the desired effect. People in France all experience this phenomenon. They call one stick a lifetime supply.

Becky said...

I think this would be a fantastic story to tell in sharing time! Yes?

Anonymous said...

I have been stalking your blog for a looooooong time - you freaking crack me up. Especially your posts about the Amish, I grew up in Bucks County, PA and know EXACTLY what you mean...have you ever eaten EGG NOODLES of the Amish verity? YUM! Top with some Parm cheese...wich in my family, we call "shake shake" b/c you "shake shake" it out of the canister :)

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