Thursday, May 20, 2010

How To Write a Random Blog Post

  • It's simple really.
  • You start with bullet points and a mind that can't settle on one idea.
  • You don't have to use bullet points.
  • (Especially if you are anti-violence.)
  • Next, you type out something, like announcing the condition of your socks today.
  • The thought about your sock condition--holey--will remind you of something else.
  • Like, where did the phrase "holey moley" come from?
  • And then, admit that you're not sure you spelled either of those words right.
  • This thought is a dead end, so don't pursue it.
  • Glance around the room and let your eyes rest on something.
  • Talk about that item.
  • Do you like it?
  • Does it remind you of a memory about your sister?
  • Does it remind you of a meal you ate two months ago that gave you diarrhea?
  • If yes, then you should talk about it here.
  • Diarrhea is always a popular inclusion in random blog posts.
  • Keeps things fluid, you know?
  • That's another thing--play on words when possible.
  • But don't be cheesey.
  • It's a fine line.
  • Admit that you're not sure "cheesey" is spelled correctly.
  • That's another good point--loosely weave your random thoughts together like that.
  • Then start a new topic.
  • But avoid religion and politics.
  • Because you've already shared your thoughts on those subjects in the 4,876 emails you forward.
  • Just kidding.
  • Actually, avoid three topics: religion, politics, and email forwarding practices.
  • You'll thank me later for that one.
  • You're about two-thirds of the way through now.
  • It's a good time for you to reveal something personal.
  • You're comfortable enough now, so open up and say something.
  • Like, how meeting new people scares the bujeebers out of you.
  • (And you could deflect the vulnerability there by pointing out that you were going to write "bujeezus" but weren't sure if it was a swear word.)
  • Don't run away from the vulnerability though.
  • Expound at least one or more thoughts on the subject.
  • Writing is all about vulnerability.
  • And we all want to know that you have irrational fears like the rest of us.
  • Most new people are nice.
  • See? That wasn't so bad.
  • Let's wrap things up with a funny thought, perhaps an image.
  • For instance, you could describe the booger that's been dancing inside your nose with every exhale.
  • And your tactics for removing it discreetly.
  • You could point out that it's silly how much we try to hide boogers, and farts too.
  • Everybody has boogers.
  • Everybody has farts.
  • But we love to pretend that we don't.
  • You're just about done.
  • You've covered the four main random points: diarrhea, boogers, farts, and vulnerability.
  • Congratulations.
  • You've just written a random blog post.
  • And wasted part of your day that you'll never have back.


heidi said...

I love it!! I took detailed notes and hope to create my own random blog post soon!

So Jesse and I are moving out to Boston next weekend (YIKES) and will be there till August. We'd love to find time to see you guys while we're out East!

Soul-Fusion said...

you are very skilled at the random blog post, thanks for sharing some of your secret tips.

Kristina P. said...

Maybe you should fill in at the CBC for me, on finding your blogger voice.

tiburon said...

This post would have come in handy for me about an our ago when I was composing my Random post.

Once again - you trump me.

Kelly S. said...

Perfect. You covered four things in my life that I pretend don't exist.

Becky said...

You do random so well- I am definitely going to use your tips. Farts, boogers,diarrhea, vulnerability. I feel so much better just typing those words! Thanks!

Donna said...

No way! It's like you're my Parallel Universe me. Or I'm your Parallel Universe you. Whatever the case, I'm so glad my parallel me has curly hair and writes about boogers.

I love wasting part of my day reading your random posts!

Ginnie said...

Will there be a pop quiz on the later?

Leslie said...

Amazing! WAs this written just for me, ... because I haven't posted in a L O N G time?

MiaKatia said...

Keeping things fluid! If I weren't laughing so hard I might be sick ;)

Kami said...

My next random post is gonna be da bomb! no worries, not that kind of bomb. ;)

Omgirl said...

You are the best. And I don't mean that in the way you'd say it to your mom if she brought home used toys for your kids from D.I. I mean it in the way that your blog is the best one on the entire blogosphere. I admit that I haven't read the other 3,479,651 blogs. But of the hundred or so I have read, I like yours best. So I think it's fair to generalize that it is THE BEST.

Kellybee said...

Your four main random points of boogers, farts, diahrea and vulnerability actually describes my life living with four male humans.

marta said...

loved this. you are the queen of fabulous randomness. always so entertaining. not everyone has the wit you do.

p.s. that mrs. field's cookie shindig looked amazing.

Travelin'Oma said...

I love this post. Every line could become another post.

alex dumas said...

I treasure this tutorial. Thank you.

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