Monday, February 22, 2010

Home Office Staff Meeting

Good afternoon, everyone, and thank you for coming. I know it's been a while since our last staff meeting and I apologize for not treating this as the priority it truly is. To tell you the truth, that's one of the hardest things about management--weighing the needs of the office against the wants of the manager and the important TV shows that are waiting in the DVR. This is hard work, people.

But back to business. I'd like to address a few important items today before I pull out a few comments from the Suggestion Box for discussion.

1. To begin with, I need to address a somewhat delicate subject and I ask for your maturity and decorum. The night shift is an important part of the workday here at the office. There is an expectation that each of our employees will know their assigned space for the night shift and remain in it until morning. There has been some scheming on the part of one of our employees that is bothering me, and I would like to address it now. I don't like to name names, so I'll just say this: If your night shift assignment is the doggie kennel in the family room, then the doggie kennel is where you are expected to remain. Waiting until 2:00 a.m., when the managers are completely incoherent, to invade their assigned space--no matter how comfy and warm you find it to be--is, quite frankly, manipulative and unethical. No matter how innocent your intentions, it is never a good idea to be sleeping in your boss's bed. ARE WE CLEAR?

2. The facilities manager has asked that we issue a few standard rules regarding the usage of the company restrooms. (Actually, the facilities manager requested that the rules be posted on every wall of the restrooms, as well as tattooed on the foreheads of each employee.) I struck a compromise with her, letting her know that I would address the issue in this meeting. So, I ask you to please, PLEASE, comply with the following rules:
  • Employees should never use the toilet without flushing. Period.
  • On a related note, employees should never use the toilet for "number two" without using toilet paper. 
  • On yet another related note, no employee should ever have to happen upon an un-flushed toilet with "number two" and no toilet paper. Disturbing images like that can upset the entire workday, actually.
  • Whoever is eating the used Kleenexes in the waste basket should stop. 
3. There seems to be confusion about where personal belongings can be stowed during the workday. Your personal effects--coats, shoes, backpacks, etc.--should be placed neatly in your personal workspace or the company closet, not haphazardly abandoned in the middle of the company lobby or at the foot of the main staircase. We were issued a warning from Worker's Compensation recently when these items were identified as a hazard. On several other occasions, the security guard spent valuable company time filling out incident reports thinking she had happened upon a crime scene. If this situation is not brought under control, management will be forced to revoke Spongebob privileges and garnish marshmallows.  

Alright, now that I've covered those items, let's pull a few comments from the Suggestion Box:

"its not fayr that sum werkers hav niis cumfee bedz an sum werkers hav tynee kayjus"

Thank you for this anonymous comment. Yes, some employees here have nice, comfortable beds and others have been provided with other, species-appropriate spaces in which to rest. While I would love to be a company successful enough to provide lavish suites for all employees, regardless of species, I will remind you that we are a small business and as such are bound by constraints such as space and money. I would also remind you that the recent Supreme Court ruling in Fido vs. The Johnsons supports our right as management to assign you to species-appropriate workspaces.  Frankly, I'm bothered by this comment. In today's economy, I would think that any employee--human or canine--would be grateful simply for the right to live and work in a heat-controlled environment.

Ahem. Next comment: 

"Please stop serving pancakes and spaghetti."

Really? But I thought everybody liked pancakes and spaghetti! 

And our final comment from the Suggestion Box: 

"can we go 2 target?"

No, we cannot go to Target. Well, okay, maybe we can go to Target.

Thanks again to everyone for your attendance. You are all valued and appreciated parts of our company; and while we are unable to prove that to you monetarily, we hope you will enjoy unlimited pancakes and spaghetti in the company cafeteria on Tuesdays.


Heather said...

I never imagined that I would have to remind anyone to use toilet paper until a four year old little boy found his way into my life...

Christy said...

This is HILARIOUS! I seriously had to focus to stay on my seat. Our companies have so much in common, can my people join your people at the next company meeting?

Andria said...

While reading the notes from your staff meetings, I was trying to ignore that the most recent member of our staff was pulling the crayons and markers off the table while the other two staff members tried to put them away. I have to admit, it seems a lot funnier when it isn't your company.

Lindy-Lou said...

Oh thank you Tiffany for yet another of my favorite posts. A good belly laugh is good for the soul.

Kim said...

I am so sorry that I missed the meeting. I think I ate too many pancakes and ended up in the company restroom. That was sorry for those who took the blame.

Kami said...

Why the heck do dogs do that kind of stuff?!

Avery's word for the year... FLUSH.

(shhh...she doesn't know it)

Tauna said...

LOVED this post!

Leslie said...

I know I'm located at a different branch of the Home Office, but I'd just like to add that the four-legged employees need to be sure to relieve themselves in the vast expanse of a bathroom provided for them, just out the back door, and not within the walls of the office.

And, if the two-legged employees would please wipe themselves BEFORE they slide off the front of the potty, it would really improve morale here at our branch.

Becky said...

Thank you for this. I needed it today. Truly my favorite!

Leca said...

That was stinkin' funny. That sounds just like our house. The mister complains about #2 without TP left there for his discovery all the time. As soon as the kids learn how to flush and wipe-- I can die happy.

Mindi said...

i had a friend who actually NEVER let any of her children's playmates go "number two" in her bathrooms.

if they needed to go, they had to tell her which number they needed, and were kicked to the curb if they uttered "dos".

ps i love how your dog spells! hooked on phonics ALL THE WAY!

Mari said...

SO FUNNY! You could write a book, just from your Home Office Staff Meetings, they are the best! :)

MiaKatia said...

These are the best post. They make me laugh. It is amazing how hard going to the bathroom can be for some employees...

DeAnn said...

Nice cover bringing up the whole Kleenex eating thing in staff meeting. Everyone still knows it's you.

Angie said...

I love home staff meeting. Always good fun.

Omgirl said...

You are hyserical. I actually lol'ed for rea about the #2 with no toilet paper. Classic.

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