Come With Me to the Land of My People

It's a beautiful overcast morning, a perfect day to head out to Amish country.

We will be your tour guides. At this time, we ask you to please turn your cell phones off and hold all questions/applause until the end.

See the corn fields whizzing by? That means we're getting closer. Listen closely. Can you hear my people calling us?

Well, not us, me. They're calling me, you know, because I'm one of them. But they said you can come along.

Ah, yes. Here we are. Home at last.

Hello, lovely sprawling landscape and modest, immaculate farms.

My mom's friend Julie once lamented that she needed to visit Italy. "I miss the old country," she said. My mom thought it was really funny because Julie is not Italian. But I know what Julie meant, except that I mean it even more because I really am Splinter Group Amish. I mean, I'm pretty sure that I am.

Anyway, back to my old country. There are cows in the old country. "Hi, cows! It's me, Tiffany! Remember?"

Oh yes, they remember.

Hello, silos! Good job storing all that corn and grain!

I'm getting hungry, are you? Let's stop for some freshly roasted Amish chicken, and let's eat it Amish-style. All you need is a napkin and ten greedy fingers. Mmmmm.

And for dessert, how about a warm Amish pumpkin pie? Made in a real Amish kitchen by a real Amish woman with a real Amish baby on her hip? And wrapped in real Amish plastic wrap!

Again, no utensils required. Just unwrap the plastic, stick your face in, and go to town.

Now some of you may be wondering if it's hard work and humility all the time out here among my people. Is there a place for fun? Do the Amish have a sense of humor? I answer you with Exhibit A:

And Exhibit B:

What is this, you wonder? Isn't it obvious? It's your everyday, run-of-the-mill flower bed filled with outgrown Amish shoes turned into planters for succulents. Care for a closer look?

Amish humor: it's very dry and understated, like a good wine. At least that's what I hear. I don't drink wine because I'm Splinter Group Amish. And Mormon. And Jew-ish.

It's complicated. {Sigh.}

Would you like to step out for a bit and get some exercise? How about a ride on these little Amish scooters, left here unattended?

Wheeeeeeee! Feel the wind rush through your hair as you scoot along! Pay no attention to the little Amish kids chasing after us and crying--that's how they express joy!

Oh, that was exhilarating! In a modest, unassuming, God-fearing way.

Good golly, where has the time gone? We'd better get back in the car and head home. Wave goodbye to the sweeping landscape.

See you next time, sweeping landscape of my people!

Fasten your seatbelts and settle in for the ride back to electricity and bean burritos! Our tour is over. Any questions?

Yes, you, in the back. What's that?

Oh yes, of course, I almost forgot to show you our new car! Here is the interior--very comfy and black.

And the exterior? Well, it's a little boxy, but I'm into that.