Monday, October 26, 2009

Come With Me to the Land of My People

It's a beautiful overcast morning, a perfect day to head out to Amish country.


We will be your tour guides. At this time, we ask you to please turn your cell phones off and hold all questions/applause until the end.

See the corn fields whizzing by? That means we're getting closer. Listen closely. Can you hear my people calling us?

Well, not us, me. They're calling me, you know, because I'm one of them. But they said you can come along.

Ah, yes. Here we are. Home at last.

Hello, lovely sprawling landscape and modest, immaculate farms.

My mom's friend Julie once lamented that she needed to visit Italy. "I miss the old country," she said. My mom thought it was really funny because Julie is not Italian. But I know what Julie meant, except that I mean it even more because I really am Splinter Group Amish. I mean, I'm pretty sure that I am.

Anyway, back to my old country. There are cows in the old country. "Hi, cows! It's me, Tiffany! Remember?"


Oh yes, they remember.

Hello, silos! Good job storing all that corn and grain!


I'm getting hungry, are you? Let's stop for some freshly roasted Amish chicken, and let's eat it Amish-style. All you need is a napkin and ten greedy fingers. Mmmmm.


And for dessert, how about a warm Amish pumpkin pie? Made in a real Amish kitchen by a real Amish woman with a real Amish baby on her hip? And wrapped in real Amish plastic wrap!

Again, no utensils required. Just unwrap the plastic, stick your face in, and go to town.

Now some of you may be wondering if it's hard work and humility all the time out here among my people. Is there a place for fun? Do the Amish have a sense of humor? I answer you with Exhibit A:

And Exhibit B:

What is this, you wonder? Isn't it obvious? It's your everyday, run-of-the-mill flower bed filled with outgrown Amish shoes turned into planters for succulents. Care for a closer look?

Amish humor: it's very dry and understated, like a good wine. At least that's what I hear. I don't drink wine because I'm Splinter Group Amish. And Mormon. And Jew-ish.

It's complicated. {Sigh.}

Would you like to step out for a bit and get some exercise? How about a ride on these little Amish scooters, left here unattended?

Wheeeeeeee! Feel the wind rush through your hair as you scoot along! Pay no attention to the little Amish kids chasing after us and crying--that's how they express joy!

Oh, that was exhilarating! In a modest, unassuming, God-fearing way.

Good golly, where has the time gone? We'd better get back in the car and head home. Wave goodbye to the sweeping landscape.

See you next time, sweeping landscape of my people!

Fasten your seatbelts and settle in for the ride back to electricity and bean burritos! Our tour is over. Any questions?

Yes, you, in the back. What's that?

Oh yes, of course, I almost forgot to show you our new car! Here is the interior--very comfy and black.


And the exterior? Well, it's a little boxy, but I'm into that.


25 comments:

hannah :: sherbet blossom said...

ha! i love the family hotel and restaurant...with no restaurant. and the plastic wrap. and the shoe garden. oh how fun!

Kristina P. said...

This is like something out of a movie!

Cathy said...

Now I'm craving pie.

The Coolest Allen Family said...

Your tour reminds me of Indiana. Now I am missing Indiana. *sigh*

Soul-Fusion said...

you forgot the apple cider donuts. Man, I have really been craving those things lately. Other than that, loved the tour.

Leslie said...

Thank you for taking me with you on that fabulous tour of the old country. It truly feeds my soul to be in that beautiful, peaceful setting, ... and to eat that YUMMY food! I swear, you're luring me back there one Splinter Group Amish post at a time!

J.J. said...

Pardon me for being that car guy...but-
Is that the new Volvo XC60??????

Annie said...

thanks for the tour. can't wait to do it in person one day!!

Krista said...

loved the tour and the beautiful pics.

Jenny said...

Mmmmmmm... I can almost smell the cow poop and taste that yummy pumpkin pie.

Beautiful.

Tauna said...

Beautiful Pictures!

summer said...

ooh i love this! so cool! i'm so close to them!

Kim said...

I wish I was Amish...you are so lucky!
I'm Mormon and married a Jew but am not lucky enough to be Amish.

jennie w. said...

I don't know, Tiffany. Aren't those snaps on your shirt? For shame!

Kami said...

I love Exhibit A! Ha! too funny. What a cool place to visit. That Chicken looks so delicious!

Lindy-Lou said...

Beautiful pictures, beautiful life. Can't we all just go back? Wait - I think we might be. Glad you are building relationships with 'our' people, who know how to live off the land.

Christy said...

Gorgeous photos! That last line/photo - hilarious!

Angie said...

Those shoes are crazy!

And the countryside is beautiful. Great pictures.

MiaKatia said...

The last picture of your new car was the best!

Becky said...

Thanks for the amazing tour! I too am a little disappointed that we didn't get to see the famous donuts we have heard so much about. Next time. LOVE your new ride too! You are lucky to be Amish and get to have a new SUV too- so lucky!

natsprat said...

The photos are fabulous, just like my own personal tour. I still need to do it in person. Maybe i'll join Annie when she comes. I think I could be part Amish.

Kellybee (my code name) said...

I love your Amish excursions. I also love food. And, it seems to me, that Amish = good food.

the southern hostess said...

Fantastic pictures! I feel like I was there.

Miranda said...

Ha! My husband and I are constantly talking about how I'm Jew-ish. Then, to drive home the fact, I recite Fiddler on the Roof, in its entirety.

tiburon said...

You freakin crack me up! This might be my most favorite Tiffany post of all time!

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