Banter at Bedtime

Me: How's it going, old man?

Max: Bye, older lady.

Me: Where are you going, short person?

Max: Haha, very funny. You're smaller than Christian.

Me: Yeah, but I can still sit on him. And I can sit on you, too.

Max: Yeah, but you're just a midget.

Me: Too bad for you, since you have the same DNA.

Max: DNA? Who cares about DNA?

Me: Let's move on to another subject. What would you like to talk about?

Max: Something you don't want to talk about.

Me: Like politics?

Max: Maybe something different.

Me: Let's talk about unicorns. How many unicorns do you think it takes to make one unicorn burger?

Max: See you later.

Me: What? Did I upset you? Does the thought of a big, juicy unicorn patty make you cry?

Max: Wait, I need to go to the bathroom. For about, like, forever.

Me: Hmmm. Must have had beans for dinner.

(Several minutes later)

Me: Were you rapping in the bathroom?

Max: No! Maybe. Yeah, I did.

Me: That seems like a fun bathroom activity. What are your plans this weekend?

Max: Sleep, uhhhhhh, and other stuff.

Me: Sounds fun. I'm ready to go to sleep right now. How about you? You could get started on your weekend.

Max: Great! I'll do it a couple hours after you do.

Me: I may be funny, but I'm not stupid. Go to bed, you short little old man.

Max: Oh yeah? I think I can do more math problems than you.

Me: What's one little boy plus one bedtime?

Max: Equals Mom sleeping and little boy partying.

Me: Wrong. It equals 73.

My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter

Friends, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special--my imaginary well-dressed toddler daughter. Her name is Quinoa, and I found her on Pinterest, begging me to give her an imaginary home filled with designer clothing and incredible lighting. She's a lovely, lovely human being. Would you like to see what she's been up to lately?

She rides around town on her mini Vespa scooter, but she always stops for pedestrians.

She loves to dress up for church in Chanel and roller skates, because she absolutely adores a juxtaposition.

One of her favorite activities is twirling, and nobody does it better than Quinoa.

Please don't confuse twirling with spinning; they are very different activities (though she is equally talented at both).

Every night, she lays out her impeccable outfit for the next day...

...then prays for all the children of the world, that they might be as happy, healthy, and well-dressed as she.

Did I mention that she's thoughtful and well-spoken? She attended the funeral of a classmate's hamster and gave a touching eulogy.

Where does she shop, you ask? Where doesn't she shop? is the answer!

You want to watch Indiana Jones with her? She's got an outfit for that.

Sometimes she lets me dress her up as a Von Trapp child and we sing about raindrops on roses and all of our favorite things.

She loves to put on a show. Here she is doing a tribute to Whitney Houston. It was amazing. The children really are our future.

She sure loves our country, right down to the toes of her red designer boots. In fact, she can recite the Pledge of Allegiance in seventeen languages.

Even when she's not trying, she manages to look super cool, just like a Hollywood starlet running to Target for some tampons.

She's adorable at all times, even when a large spider is crawling toward her on the floor.

You should see her dance. She's got the moves like Jagger, and the charm of Gene Kelley, all wrapped up in a size 4T.

Before you accuse her of being shallow and obsessed with her looks, you should know that she's a human-rights activist, president of seven book clubs, and is weeks away from a degree in Marine Biology.

Oh yes, my little Quinoa is the kind of imaginary daughter every mother dreams of. I consider myself very, very lucky to have her in my life. Wouldn't you?

(You can keep up with Quinoa on Pinterest.)