I think it's time to talk about the mole. I mean, the Mole, capitalized as the proper noun that it is. You know, the one on my face, just above my left eye. Don't pretend you haven't seen it. I'm stepping out of denial now and we don't have to play nice anymore.
Last week the Mole filed for its own Social Security Card and a Target Visa line of credit. Yesterday the Mole retained an attorney and requested an official trademark symbol. It's time to take this seriously. The Mole is getting out of control.
Most of the time I pretend it's not there. Some of the time I pretend it's not that big. One time, at least a dozen years ago, my cute little niece was drawing a portrait of me with her crayons. She drew lots of curly hair, two brown eyes, a nose, mouth, and a giant reddish blob above one of my eyes.
"What's that?" I remember asking.
"It's that thing on your face," she said.
I felt dumb then. I feel dumberer now. I didn't mean to let it get this far. In my heart of hearts, I thought we could be friends, Mole and I, but partnerships are historically difficult. It's time I go all Egyptian on this mole and revolt. Ultimately this will involve the help of a licensed dermatologist, but in the mean time I'm going to take immediate action to let Mole know that I'm serious. Today I'm going to de-friend it on facebook and stop following it on Twitter. And when it texts me later, I'm totally not going to respond.