Wednesday, February 23, 2011

There Is No "We" in "Mole"

I think it's time to talk about the mole. I mean, the Mole, capitalized as the proper noun that it is. You know, the one on my face, just above my left eye. Don't pretend you haven't seen it. I'm stepping out of denial now and we don't have to play nice anymore.

Last week the Mole filed for its own Social Security Card and a Target Visa line of credit. Yesterday the Mole retained an attorney and requested an official trademark symbol. It's time to take this seriously. The Mole is getting out of control.
Trade Mark Mole

Most of the time I pretend it's not there. Some of the time I pretend it's not that big. One time, at least a dozen years ago, my cute little niece was drawing a portrait of me with her crayons. She drew lots of curly hair, two brown eyes, a nose, mouth, and a giant reddish blob above one of my eyes.

"What's that?" I remember asking.
"It's that thing on your face," she said.

I felt dumb then. I feel dumberer now. I didn't mean to let it get this far. In my heart of hearts, I thought we could be friends, Mole and I, but partnerships are historically difficult. It's time I go all Egyptian on this mole and revolt. Ultimately this will involve the help of a licensed dermatologist, but in the mean time I'm going to take immediate action to let Mole know that I'm serious. Today I'm going to de-friend it on facebook and stop following it on Twitter. And when it texts me later, I'm totally not going to respond.


Kari said...

I can't believe you're resorting to de-friending! That Mole really must have crossed a line.

Very funny post!

Dede said...

Okay, I am being totally serious when I say, I haven't ever noticed it!! Did you know James used to have almost the exact same mole on his head???
When he was in school, one of the doctors he rotated with asked him if he could remove it, so he did. I was a little sad to see it go.

Kate said...

I sincerely hope I wasn't that niece. How rude.

Lindy-Lou said...

I'm with Dede. Never noticed it.
I know however if I were the mole, I would take a hint. Too bad they don't make mini-googly eyes. That might be fun.

Suzie said...

oh I've had friends just like this and believe me. you are better off as long distance friends or not at all.
good luck.

(if it's any conselation I don't think you have much on common anymore)

Leslie said...

As someone with a little bit of an inside source, I advise you NOT to go to a dermatologist to have it removed. They can cut it out just fine, but they generally don't take great care in closing the incision, usually resulting in a more pronounced scar than is necessary.
James says try a facial plastic surgeon or a great ENT (seriously).

PS, my word verification word is: conalabu. What a fun word! Conalabu!!

Ginnie said...

You realize that now I have to go through all of your posts and hunt down pictures of you and that mole, right?
I once had a mole similar to that in a more inconspicuous spot... it is now gone thanks to a nail clipper. I'm a fine surgeon. Need me to come assist you and your mole removal? My fee is minimal ;)

Ginnie said...

Oh, and I agree with Leslie. I had a dermatologist remove a spot on my arm and he butchered me. go to someone a plastic surgeon for sure!!

Anonymous said...

I just happen to be the Queen of the Planet Mole. I was honorably bestowed this title by the virtue that I have more moles on my body than anyone else in the Universe.

So, I feel sorry about your mole, but not really. Until it mates and you have 8,492 more moles, then I will feel really sorry.

(And yes, use a plastic surgeon....I would know.)

Mia said...

I am going to second (third) the suggestion to go to a plastics guy. I am still miffed about the scars my derm left. Although I am sure there are some who are really careful about scarring, but mine wasn't.

Ms. Fish said...

The Mole is just getting a big head cuz it got its own trademark. Mole needs to be humbled a bit. Defriending should do it! Brilliant idea.

DeAnn said...

I the mole removed from my face when my niece asked why I had a freckle falling off my face. I just had the PCP take it off. No scar!

Omgirl said...

The secretary at my pediatrician's office when I was a kid had a giant, nearly round mole on the VERY TIP OF HER NOSE. An ugly black one. Like a witch. And every time we went, I thought, "Why doesn't she get that removed? She works in a doctor's office, for Pete's Sake!" I guess some people have just learned to live with their moles like you learn to live with roommates you hate. I'm glad you're kicking yours out, though, cause no one should have to live with a roommate they hate.

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