Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Unfortunate Cookies

Wouldn't it be awful to crack open your fortune cookie at the end of your dinner and read something truly unfortunate? My friend Angie introduced the idea of Unfortunate Cookies to me, and I'm going to run with it. Here are my ideas for unfortunate fortunes:

  • Itching, swelling, shortness of breath: expect them all. Soon.
  • You always tell the dumbest stories.
  • That wasn't lemonade.
  • That thing you've been worried about for a long time? It's getting worse.
  • Everybody is looking at you (and not in the good way).
  • It's hopeless.
  • Your reputation is horrible.
  • Everybody would vote you off the island first.
  • It's sad the way you always look heavier than you are.
  • Your farts smell worse than other peoples'.
  • People laugh about your taste in music.
  • You have a long history of mediocrity.
  • In your case, it won't matter if you aim higher. So, save your energy.
  • Your parents argue about who has to call you.
  • It's not that you're unlucky, it's that you make a lot of mistakes.
  • A life-altering case of diarrhea is in your immediate future.
  • Your most embarrassing moment will be EPIC.
  • Wow, that is not your color.
  • Finding a good lawyer should be a top priority right now.
  • Now is the time to give up.
  • Your dog prefers the neighbors.
  • You are WAY too easy on yourself.
  • Your elbows are ghastly.
  • You will soon be berated on Dr. Phil's couch.
Alright, enough from me; now it's your turn. Give me your Unfortunate Cookie ideas. I'll select a random winner and send you a mix CD. (Even though people laugh at my taste in music.)


Soul-Fusion said...

Love it! Here's mine:

It's true, you are the weird one.

tiburon said...

Excellent post! How do I love you? Let me count the ways...

- You know how you thought you looked awesome in that outfit? You.don't.

- Your butt really is that big.

- You only get invited so people have someone to talk about...

- Black is slimming on everyone. But you.

- It's not me. It's you.

Hil said...

-He's just not that into you. TRUST ME.

- Life expectancy: 35.

- You will have a short and unprosperous life.

- Stop eating the cookie dough - with love, your butt.

brandy said...

- Your scale is NOT broken.

- Two words to describe you:

- You will look like Joan River's when you're older.

Kami said...

How funny! I once heard of someone actually getting an unfortunate cookie, so since then I always make up a funny fake one when reading mine.

Okay here's my entry:

You'll never be mom's favorite.


(the opposite of the SNL daily affirmation)

You're not good enough, nor smart enough, and people don't really like you.

sad...I hope I never get that one.

Andria said...

How do you do it? You're funny all of the time!

Please let me know if you ever decide to start up your own Chinese restaurant.

Here's my suggestion:

Confucious says...you're not worthy of what Confucious says.

Anneliese said...

tomorrow will be your worst day yet.

beware of midgets.

good luck getting home.

Jesse C said...

Remember how you once said you would never in a million years eat horse meat?

You walk funny.

When you walk out that door, your life will begin to unravel.


Kim said...

*Sorry, you're not big boned, you're just fat.

*When I say you have a sweet spirit, it means you UGLY!

*You should really consult a plastic surgeon.

Annie said...

"The Rogaine will not help."

"Pleated light-blue tapered jeans will soon make a roaring comeback."

"You have a dead squirrel in your car engine. Expect a stench."

buddens said...

Your kids would choose the other parent in a divorce.

Those pants do in fact, make you look fat.

Jenny said...

- all that makeup and concealer you are wearing is not helping

- why didn't you bring your "A" game with you??

- you are so far out there you might consider real estate on the moon

- you really are an old dog...stop trying to learn new tricks

Leslie said...

You really should have looked in the mirror.

Confucius say: update your will ... today.

It's not so much your personality that drives people away, ... it's your bodily odors.

Katie H said...

Hi-larious. :)

Chicky said...

Your mom tried to trade you in when you were born.

Donna said...

Oooh fun! How about:

Everyone knows you add the words "in bed" to the end of every fortune. Here's one for you: you're not that good.

Anonymous said...

So, so funny. And you seem to be more-than-a-lttle good at coming up with a list of "unfortunates." I wonder if that means something? : ) Anyway, here's what I wouldn't want to see: The folks from What Not to Wear are looking for you.

Anonymous said...

"You were born in the toilet."

"Eye M We Todd Did" -Read it slowly and out loud over and over with confidence.

"Halitosis is in your past, present, and future."

Miranda said...

Ha! Too funny.

-You will end up alone. So very, very alone.

Mindi said...


do you like pina coladas? and gettin' caught in the rain? are you not into health food? do you have half a brain?

do you like makin' love at midnight? on the dunes of the cape?
you're the lover i've hoped for--come with me and ESCAPE.

wait.......unti you find out it's YOUR OWN SPOUSE who wrote the ad that YOU ARE CURRENTLY RESPONDING to........

but, it's your own lovely lady! and she said 'she never knew'....


Kate said...

Thank you for your blog! It helps me gets through boring work days :)
How about these:

Your smile makes babies cry. And grown men weep. You should probably stop smiling. Thanks.

The waiter spit in your food.

You will not be lucky in love. So go ahead and buy those 20 cats now.

Leca said...

Just because you can get it on doesn't mean it fits you.

Josh said...

Sucks to be you.

Kate said...

"The roadkill you just passed was your cat."

"Shut up."

Great post!

Angie said...

- You will find that your worst fears, once realized, will be even worse than you imagined.

- Murphy's Law will always work against you.

- You will die peacefully in your sleep. It's the people in the other car who will be screaming their heads off.

- The food at this restaurant is well past it's expiration date.

CoLiE-O said...

thats not a freckle, that's a third nipple :)

love your blog!!

Omgirl said...

The one I always fear seeing in a fortune cookie is:

This fortune cookie was three years old. And you just ate it."

(Cause that's what they taste like!)

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