I'm Refusing to Call This Random!

• The Valentine catalog has begun.
• And I am waiting for inspiration and motivation.
• Every hour, on the hour, I send Inspiration and Motivation a text message:
• Where R U guys? R U coming soon?
• I think they are mad at me; they never text back.
• Speaking of texting,
• It took me a loooooong time to use text-speech, like "R U" and such.
• It felt like such a betrayal of my english degree.
• Except that I don't have an english degree.
• But, I like to pretend I have one.
• I practically have one.
• And practically having an english degree is pretty much the same as having one.
• I actually have a psychology degree.
• Which is of the same exact value as a practically-had english degree.
• R U following this?
• I had my hair done this morning.
• Blondification of the roots.
• I am the youngest client of the salon.
• By about 15 years.
• Many, many, mature women have sat next to me under the dryers.
• I didn't realize it until roughly my third visit, when I noticed a place for walker parking.
• Just kidding, there is no walker parking.
• They have to keep their walkers with them or they'll fall down.
• Anyway, today while I was sitting under the dryers reading the AARP magazine, I got to thinking.
• I thought that maybe the salon should give me a discount for being so young.
• I mean, they seem really excited to have me as a client.
• All that walking-on-my-own and everything.
• I'm less likely to slip and fall in the parking lot and sue them.
• And I never drink the complimentary water with Metamucil.
• That's got to count for something!
• The idea for a discount came because I'm always looking for ways to cut the costs of my hair maintenance.
• Hair maintenance in the east is much more costly than it was in the west.
• And I think a junior citizen discount would really help a lot.
• One more funny thing about the hair salon is that the owner has a crush on my hair.
• The owner is a very nice gay man.
• But I'm telling you, he looks at my hair very lustfully.
• I guess he's not into "straight" hair!
• ROFL!
• That reminds me.
• Do you remember the first time you heard the term LOL?
• I do.
• I was instant messaging with a coworker at my old job and I said something funny and he typed back, "LOL."
• And I was like, lol?
• Lol?
• And then I said it out loud, "Lol."
• But it still didn't make any sense.
• And then I said it real slow, "Laaaaawwwwwl."
• But I still didn't get it.
• So I figured it was a typo.
• And I felt bad for him because I judge people for typos.
• And then another day I sent a funny message and another coworker replied with "LOL" and I couldn't take it anymore, so I said, "What does 'LOL' mean?"
• And then the Cool Police came and took my ID card away.
• They probably could have predicted then and there that I'd end up patronizing the old bitty salon.
• "Laugh Out Loud. It means 'Laugh Out Loud.'"
• That's what my coworker said.
• And even though I wasn't cool anymore, I was euphoric.
• Because I had caused someone (two people, actually) to laugh.
• Out loud.
• But eventually, the euphoria wore off.
• Because eventually I came to understand that there is nothing literal about LOL.
• People are big, fat liars.
• I see people texting and IMing everywhere I go.
• AND NOBODY IS LAUGHING OUT LOUD!
• But they claim to be!
• Oh, how they claim to be!
• And then, as soon as I caught on to this LOL-scheme, they came up with ROFL.
• (Which I also had to have explained to me.)
• And I was like, really?
• You expect me to believe that people are actually rolling around on the floor in a fit of laughter?
• I WANT PROOF!
• A phenomenon like that would surely have ended up on the evening news once or twice.
• "A close call today in a downtown office building where hundreds of employees were found on their cubicle floors rolling around. What was first considered a medical pandemic, turned out to be just a really funny joke."
• The irony is that the true definition of "ROFL" is probably closer to "LOL."
• And the true definition of "LOL" is probably closer to "You think you are funny and I'm too nice to argue with you."
• Do u agree?