Thursday, October 15, 2009

Ten Items in My Closet That I Never Should Have Bought

I clean out my closet fairly regularly, so most of my hideous mistakes have been tossed long ago, like that pair of mens jeans I bought for $5.99, convincing myself that I could make the look work. (FAIL.) Turns out, they actually design mens jeans for men. With lines and cuts that fit all (ahem) that a man has to offer, of which I have none. Who knew???

The clothes that I'm featuring today are the ones that are not hideous, per se, but hideous on me and examples of my occasional poor judgment. And I keep them around because I believe in Big Dreams, even dreams that I will wake up weighing 101 pounds, standing five foot, nine inches tall, looking shockingly like Heidi Klum. Sometimes when I'm shopping, I hear a mysterious voice whisper, "If you buy them, they will fit."

So I buy them. And then they hang in my closet and stare at me, day after day, enticing me and then making fun of me behind my back. These clothes are textbook passive aggressive. I think this one is the ringleader. Just look at those shifty eyes.

This is Houndstooth Semi-Jacket. How fabulous is this crisp-weather top?

Yeah, well. On me, it seems to make my already large arms quite a bit larger. It makes me look as bulky as a case of toilet paper at Costco. I want to love this top. So I keep it in my closet and watch it mock me and my linebacker arms. It's very unhealthy.

Next up, I give you Crappy Plasticky Shoes from GAP Outlet. These blister-makers laugh and laugh and laugh at me every time I look at them. The Green Crappy Plasticky Shoes have been worn approximately 1.25 times and those experiences can be summed up in three words: sweaty, painful, toe-cleavage.

The Navy Blue Crappy Plasticky Shoes have been worn 0.0 times. They think they're so funny.

Next, I give you the Sundress collection. Poppy Sundress is all beauty, no brains. She looks like she'll work, but she makes me look like a sad, sad lump of cookie dough laced with salmonella. I keep her around, because she looks soooo good on the hanger. And I seem to believe that counts for something. I have a new theory: If something looks fabulous on a hanger, it will only look as fabulous on someone who weighs as much as a hanger. Confession: I bought this without trying it on.

This sundress is an older mistake called Target Easter Wrap Dress. It's too short, it wraps in the wrong places and it makes me look like I'm trying to pretend I'm in high school. I keep it around just in case I ever get a time machine and can go back to high school, because (evil chuckle) I have a lot of things I'd like to do differently in high school. And I want to look really cute while I'm doing them.


Pink Eighties Jacket and I started out alright...until I saw us together in a photo. Holy Doesn't Fit Me, Batman! Still, it stares at me longingly.

Strange Sleeve Sweater was an attempt to cover my linebacker arms. It's hard to tell in the photo, but there is a LOT of material there in those sleeves. I approached the sweater on the rack and said very Napoleon Dynamite style, "I like your sleeves." As it turns out, all that extra material just makes me look like I have extra large arms, instead of large arms. And that little ruffle around the middle? It produces that "Is she pregnant?" sentiment in passers by. Confession: I bought this without trying it on.


Old Navy Wedges and I go back a couple of years. I want to love them, but I'm not in love with them. I'm in love with the idea of them. Finally, I had to sit down with them and say, "It's not you, it's me." They wept for six hours and begged to be spared from Goodwill, even though I told them there was a pair of feet out there for them. Such clingy little shoes.

Question: Do you ever buy an article of clothing because it subconsciously reminds you of someone you like? I guess I do. I bought this shirt, and while I like it, I felt like I was trying to channel someone else in wearing it. Then it hit me--this is Should Have Been Kami's Shirt. (Seriously, Kami, do you have this shirt or one like it?) I bought it with subconscious hopes that I would suddenly be a nicer person, a great photographer, and capable of any do-it-yourself project in the world.

The tale of me and Betty Draper Wishes She Had This Jacket is a tragic one. I bought it a few years ago and if I could lose 9 or 10 pounds, we could totally get back together. "I eat because I'm unhappy that I can't fit into my favorite jacket, and I can't fit into my favorite jacket because I eat." TRAGEDY!

Finally, I give you Elf Dress Purchased for Mormon Singles Christmas Party. I hate to call this a mistake, exactly, but the facts of the story are this: I was visiting Alyssa in New York a couple of years ago during the holidays and she asked me to tag along to a fancy-schmancy Christmas party at the top of a fancy-schmancy apartment building. We decided that the skirt and jacket I'd brought with me was not going to do, so I picked up this jolly little number and wore it to the party with a gold belt. I haven't been invited to any Mormon Singles Christmas Parties since then. Perhaps it is because I'm married, but I think it may be because of this dress.

So, there you have it. These are the clothes that haunt me, taunt me, and remind me that I'll never be Heidi Klum, not even Heidi Kluminsky of Minot, North Dakota.

Someday, when I have enough courage and therapy, I will send these clothes off to bless the closets of others. And then I will replace them with new mistakes.

29 comments:

Becky said...

You are so stinkin funny! Love the addition of the google eyes. My favorite is the elf dress! My grandma had a skirt that was must have been a sister to your dress. Oh boy! Thanks for the laugh!

Leslie said...

Oh my goodness! You are too funny! I could put my entire wardrobe from middle school to the near present into the "mistakes" category! How could such a fashionista as yourself possibly be related to such a fashion ignoramous as myself??!

Ginnie said...

"I always feel like somebody's watching me..."

marta said...

i so feel your pain with this post. thank you for blogging cute clothes that went bad. yes, not trying on cheap clothes never works. and gap shoes should really just walk themselves to the DI.

you've inspired me. am off to clean out my closet.

alex dumas said...

You have a very brave sense of fashion. None of those items would have even tried to get my attention. They would have known it was fruitless.

MiaKatia said...

Darn those cute clothes that didn't love you as much as they should have! I read on a blog somewhere that this girl takes a camera shopping with her so she can see a picture of herself before she buys something. I am not sure if I think it is nuts and ridiculously time consuming or brilliant...

Soul-Fusion said...

People in the office are going to think I'm nuts (if they didn't think so already) because I burst out laughing (or maybe cackling is the better word) when I got to the Elf Dress - before I even read the paragraph or scrolled down to the picture. I must say though that you rocked that elf dress like no one else ever could have! And also, at least in the photos your necklace isn't constantly looping itself over one boob.

Kristina P. said...

Those are all really cute, too! It's too bad when something you love doesn't fit well or pinches.

I'm A. said...

This is totally brilliant.

Can you please turn that poppy sundress into a skirt? a headband? something? It is delicious.

Omgirl said...

Wow, there are a couple of really crazy ones in there. But that poppy dress--it makes me sad that you can't waer it because it is SO CUTE. And those Old Navy Wedges? If they're an 8 1/2, send them my way!

Kami said...

First up: the cheap plastic shoes are just mean I tell ya, mean!
Next: Could the dresses be refashioned maybe over jeans with a jacket?
third: I love the pink 80's jacket!

And finally: HaHa! that is just like my shirt! Please keep it around for when we do our "Mindi sandwich" photo shoot. ;) Oh stop...you are too nice. And who said I was nice? ;)

Miranda said...

Tiffany, I stumbled upon your blog through marta and the googly eyes had me at first click! I haven't even read the post yet and I'm laughing. Don't worry...I'll read it...I just had to comment FIRST. :)

Suzie said...

This post was completely satisfying with a small side of surprise.
Who knew you were prone to elvish looks.

Miranda said...

Oh man it was even better than I thought. Fantastic. I'm so happy I'm not the only one with clothes that taunt her by accentuating her linebacker arms.

Sarah Von said...

Ahhh! They all *dO* look so cute upon first glance! But I have these sorts of tough customers in my closet, too (I'm looking at you red linen top that's too short to be a dress and too dumpy to be a top).

Sarah Von said...

Also, I just added you to my blog roll. Now we can be internet friends for real! <3

Donna said...

Toe Cleavage just absolutely made my day.

Christy said...

BRAVO! This has got to be one of my all time favorites!

You have inspired me to clean out my closet.

Kate said...

So tragic. I always want to cry when something is adorable and doesn't fit.

This post was lol funny! :) Heart you.

Soul-Fusion said...

by the way, I will be cleaning out my closet tomorrow as I belatedly make the switch from summer to winter attire and I will be thinking of you as I decide what to ditch. Just wish I had some googly eyes :(

Kellybee said...

Oh Tiff! I needed a good laugh this morning and you accomplished that! I am impressed that at least your mistakes are brave and interesting. Your clothes are definitely not boring! Thanks for posting this!

Ali said...

I am wearing a shirt I shouldn't have bought in your honour today!

Angie said...

I don't blame you for buying a lot of those items; they're very cute.

I fall for high heels all the time. I love the look of heels, the idea of heels, and want to believe that I'm a heels kind of girl. Some day I might have to face the fact that I'm not.

tiburon said...

You freaking crack me up! I love the googly eyes.

And I vaguely remember the "Kami" shirt...

cutie crowley said...

I love the green shoes! darn blisters! i love the poppy sundress! that darn tricky hanger!
thanks for having such a funny blog i love it!!

You Are My Fave said...

I love this post because I have so many things in my closet I feel this way about. Don't tell my husband.

courtney said...

you're the blog i turn to when i need some laughs.

you rock.

i need to get my funny groove back. i keep comin' round here in the hopes that you'll eventually rub off on me.

one of these days, ok?

Recy Vintage said...

Okay, that Mormon Singles dress is pretty darn cute. Make it work. :)

MrsEm said...

Top the poppy dress with a black cardigan and a belt - You can save it!

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