Care To Help a Leper?

I have leprosy. It's a mild case, but I thought I should let you know. There is a small, scaly stripe of skin on my left eyelid that hurts. Leprosy is painful, in case you didn't know. It's serious mild pain I'm experiencing. Each morning, I shed another layer of flakey, pie-crust-like skin. One step closer to death.

I've been administering hydrocortisone cream to it for three days, even though the tube distinctly says, "DO NOT USE ON EYES." I suspect this is because the makers of the medication are anti-leper, and prefer that we suffer. It's an age-old bigotry that I'm fighting, as well as a dermatological disease. (See: The Bible.) So far the leprosy is limited to my eyelid, but things can get serious fast. I could wake up tomorrow without a leg.

I think I caught leprosy because I'm also suffering from hypothermia. It's that hypothermic time of year around here, and everybody knows that hypothermia often leads to leprosy (and dressing in ugly fleece clothing). We keep the thermostat at Effing Cold* during the day to save money. And since I'm the only one home during the day, I dress like an eskimo and pray for global warming.

The bad news is, the hydrocortisone and fleece sweatpants aren't working. (But the praying does make me feel better temporarily.)

If you are wondering how to help me, please send cash. Insurance, as you might guess, does not cover leprosy. (Anti-leperism runs deep in the insurance industry.) Only cash will help me now. Its cool, soothing, papery texture will be administered to my eyelid in the form of a makeshift patch worn for five minutes per bill, after which a new bill must be administered. For some reason, twenties and fifties seem to work best.

Thank you for your time and your concern. And your money.

Love,
Me


(*I am not a fan or user of the F-word, but I find the term "effing" hilarious. So sue me. After you send me cash.) 

Unfortunate Cookies

Wouldn't it be awful to crack open your fortune cookie at the end of your dinner and read something truly unfortunate? My friend Angie introduced the idea of Unfortunate Cookies to me, and I'm going to run with it. Here are my ideas for unfortunate fortunes:

• Itching, swelling, shortness of breath: expect them all. Soon.
• You always tell the dumbest stories.
• That wasn't lemonade.
• That thing you've been worried about for a long time? It's getting worse.
• Everybody is looking at you (and not in the good way).
• It's hopeless.
• Your reputation is horrible.
• Everybody would vote you off the island first.
• It's sad the way you always look heavier than you are.
• Your farts smell worse than other peoples'.
• People laugh about your taste in music.
• You have a long history of mediocrity.
• In your case, it won't matter if you aim higher. So, save your energy.
• Your parents argue about who has to call you.
• It's not that you're unlucky, it's that you make a lot of mistakes.
• A life-altering case of diarrhea is in your immediate future.
• Your most embarrassing moment will be EPIC.
• Wow, that is not your color.
• Finding a good lawyer should be a top priority right now.
• Now is the time to give up.
• Your dog prefers the neighbors.
• You are WAY too easy on yourself.
• Your elbows are ghastly.
• You will soon be berated on Dr. Phil's couch.

Alright, enough from me; now it's your turn. Give me your Unfortunate Cookie ideas. I'll select a random winner and send you a mix CD. (Even though people laugh at my taste in music.)