Home Office Staff Meeting

Good afternoon, everyone, and thank you for coming. I know it's been a while since our last staff meeting and I apologize for not treating this as the priority it truly is. To tell you the truth, that's one of the hardest things about management--weighing the needs of the office against the wants of the manager and the important TV shows that are waiting in the DVR. This is hard work, people.

But back to business. I'd like to address a few important items today before I pull out a few comments from the Suggestion Box for discussion.

1. To begin with, I need to address a somewhat delicate subject and I ask for your maturity and decorum. The night shift is an important part of the workday here at the office. There is an expectation that each of our employees will know their assigned space for the night shift and remain in it until morning. There has been some scheming on the part of one of our employees that is bothering me, and I would like to address it now. I don't like to name names, so I'll just say this: If your night shift assignment is the doggie kennel in the family room, then the doggie kennel is where you are expected to remain. Waiting until 2:00 a.m., when the managers are completely incoherent, to invade their assigned space--no matter how comfy and warm you find it to be--is, quite frankly, manipulative and unethical. No matter how innocent your intentions, it is never a good idea to be sleeping in your boss's bed. ARE WE CLEAR?

2. The facilities manager has asked that we issue a few standard rules regarding the usage of the company restrooms. (Actually, the facilities manager requested that the rules be posted on every wall of the restrooms, as well as tattooed on the foreheads of each employee.) I struck a compromise with her, letting her know that I would address the issue in this meeting. So, I ask you to please, PLEASE, comply with the following rules:

• Employees should never use the toilet without flushing. Period.
• On a related note, employees should never use the toilet for "number two" without using toilet paper. 
• On yet another related note, no employee should ever have to happen upon an un-flushed toilet with "number two" and no toilet paper. Disturbing images like that can upset the entire workday, actually.
• Whoever is eating the used Kleenexes in the waste basket should stop. 

3. There seems to be confusion about where personal belongings can be stowed during the workday. Your personal effects--coats, shoes, backpacks, etc.--should be placed neatly in your personal workspace or the company closet, not haphazardly abandoned in the middle of the company lobby or at the foot of the main staircase. We were issued a warning from Worker's Compensation recently when these items were identified as a hazard. On several other occasions, the security guard spent valuable company time filling out incident reports thinking she had happened upon a crime scene. If this situation is not brought under control, management will be forced to revoke Spongebob privileges and garnish marshmallows.  

Alright, now that I've covered those items, let's pull a few comments from the Suggestion Box:

"its not fayr that sum werkers hav niis cumfee bedz an sum werkers hav tynee kayjus"

Thank you for this anonymous comment. Yes, some employees here have nice, comfortable beds and others have been provided with other, species-appropriate spaces in which to rest. While I would love to be a company successful enough to provide lavish suites for all employees, regardless of species, I will remind you that we are a small business and as such are bound by constraints such as space and money. I would also remind you that the recent Supreme Court ruling in Fido vs. The Johnsons supports our right as management to assign you to species-appropriate workspaces.  Frankly, I'm bothered by this comment. In today's economy, I would think that any employee--human or canine--would be grateful simply for the right to live and work in a heat-controlled environment.

Ahem. Next comment: 

"Please stop serving pancakes and spaghetti."

Really? But I thought everybody liked pancakes and spaghetti! 

And our final comment from the Suggestion Box: 

"can we go 2 target?"

No, we cannot go to Target. Well, okay, maybe we can go to Target.

Thanks again to everyone for your attendance. You are all valued and appreciated parts of our company; and while we are unable to prove that to you monetarily, we hope you will enjoy unlimited pancakes and spaghetti in the company cafeteria on Tuesdays.